How in the world did i become so depressing?
Friday, December 31, 2010
The Tourist
Was disappointing to say the least :(
Maybe high hopes and expectations just leave you deflated. As per usual.
Lousy dialogue and crappy, wasteofspaceandtime love scenes left a very frustrated (and potentially annoying, sorry amanda!) movie-goer fooled by the bullets and the knives and the chase scenes in the trailer.
Otherwise, everything was pretty okay. Haha.
It really isn't too bad...once you take away the lousy dialogue and crappy love scenes!
Don't get me started on the soundtrack. Takes cheesy to a whole new level.
Truth.
Jolie is looking old and gaunt. Too skinny for her own good!
Depp, on the other hand, looks like he's living it up. The chubby cheeks says it all.
Birth of a Cynic
It seems patience no longer resides in my heart.
I say what i want and i say what i will.
I will shout at you across the table if i may.
And i'm sorry if that doesn't bode well with you.
Daily does of cliche: Familiarity breeds contempt.
I say what i want and i say what i will.
I will shout at you across the table if i may.
And i'm sorry if that doesn't bode well with you.
Daily does of cliche: Familiarity breeds contempt.
And i'm still waiting...
Monday, December 27, 2010
Every Day is a Test of Patience
The day mum stops nagging and going ballistic about everything...
Is the day the earth stood still.
sighs
Is the day the earth stood still.
sighs
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
By All Means
self-deceit.
it's the way I function.
it's the way I tell myself not to care;
to ignore;
to avoid;
to erase.
it helps...
for the time being.
then whatever it was I was trying so hard to ignore,avoid and forget
comes rapping on my door relentlessly.
and I know, eventually, I'm gonna have to face it.
Daily dose of cliche: Ignorance is bliss.
it's the way I function.
it's the way I tell myself not to care;
to ignore;
to avoid;
to erase.
it helps...
for the time being.
then whatever it was I was trying so hard to ignore,avoid and forget
comes rapping on my door relentlessly.
and I know, eventually, I'm gonna have to face it.
Daily dose of cliche: Ignorance is bliss.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Ramblings
Enough of them one-liners, don't you think?
The rabbit is creating annoying rattling noises in his cage it's driving me insane.
Sometimes i just want to kill him.
Annoyance aside...
I'd just seen a photograph someone took...in the typical wanna-be artsy fartsy fashion that people are so inclined to take these days. A leaf, a plant, a flower, a lilypad...photographed at an angle with various focal length settings and shutter speeds...in a pond, a lake (any reflective surface for that matter) reflecting the sunset, sunrise etc. you get my drift.
It just seems so pretentious.
And now that the blasted DLSR has become affordable and a household name, i just can't see photography as a profession anymore.
It's become just. another. hobby.
Cause everyone everywhere will have some photo or another of said fashion and everyone everywhere can just claim to be "photographers".
Well, those who can take decent photos, of course.
Isn't that quite sad, then? that the jobs of these people are taken away by hobbyists doing it as a side project?
It's not like i'm affected. i can't even begin to understand the physics of picture-taking. can't even be bothered lugging a point-and-shoot around, let alone that giant of a camera.
But it's just slightly irritating that by just owning a fancy pants camera everyone is made photographer.
Why do i sound so bitter -__-"
Nothing against having a hobby.
Just...leave the artsy fartsy stuff to the pros, thank you very much.
Nothing against having a hobby.
Just...leave the artsy fartsy stuff to the pros, thank you very much.
Side note: whyyyy does shipping take so long? ugh. had the perfect xmas gift for dad all planned out...but it can't get here in time for me to bring it back. sighz. such is the unfairness of life. sometimes.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Click send.
Just a moment of weakness...
And then
there was no turning back.
Daily dose of cliche: Resistance is futile.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
I Know I'm My Mother's Daughter When....
i coo over every. single. flower i pass by in the neighbourhood.
even the wildflowers.
just love 'em!
sigh, wish this could be my backyard.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Two Sides of the Same Coin
It's either i'm over-estimating my abilities,
...or...
I truly am that confident in myself.
are these two one and the same?
no, they aren't.
but they sure have the same effect on me.
Daily dose of cliche: love conquers all.
...or...
I truly am that confident in myself.
are these two one and the same?
no, they aren't.
but they sure have the same effect on me.
Daily dose of cliche: love conquers all.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
2 Days Later...
And i have departed from the land of piano!
hellOOo neuro.
and physio.
sigh, it never ends
:(
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Hands Down
My hopes are so high
That your kiss might kill me
So won't you kill me
So I die happy
My heart is yours to fill or burst
To break or bury
Or wear as jewelery
Whichever you prefer
Daily dose of cliche: Every cloud has a silver lining.
It's only then that I know
Music is my LIFE.
Impromptu in B flat Major.
Earth Song.
Delicate.
I GOTS THE CHILLLS.
such beauty.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
God Put a Smile Upon Your Face
Amidst all the chaos and craze,
the cacophony of voices in your head,
brace yourself.
respond with tactfulness and grace.
hold your own.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Clown
How am i gonna juggle everything that needs to be done?
Woke up in a state of panic...
thinking: piano, assignment, physio, neuro.
Do i do a little bit of all at once?
Or do i focus on each one but may have no time left for some?
Need a place to study.
Gotta clean up this mess.
Or maybe i should find someplace else to go...
Oh my gosh.
The worry sets in :(
Daily dose of cliche: Time is running out.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Day 6
The fast is going surprisingly well.
meat? smells good, but it's okay. i'm fine thank you.
snacks? takes all the willpower in the world especially when i get the munchies after meals. terrible, terrible cases of the munchies.
but somehow even the snacks sitting there, waiting to tempt me, aren't that appealing.
except for those days.
where all i want to do is have a massive cone of ice-cream or an iced chocolate.
let me not be reminded that this is merely the 6th day -_-"
and speaking of which,
it's still really early on, but i'd made a few interesting discoveries along the way.
honestly, going into it, i never really knew the real reason for fasting.
i just knew i felt compelled to do it.
like there was something in me urging me to go through it; experience it.
but now, i do know why i'm doing it; what for and how much breaking it with the smallest sliver of almond, the tiniest piece of cake in the world is actually saying about myself.
the little things that speak volumes; they are absolutely significant.
never really had any expectations coming into the fast, so i guess in that way i am an empty canvas getting excited over every little splatter of paint. which is pretty cool.
so, yes, i'm looking forward to see what gems i'd collect over the next 34 days and counting.
optimism.
i hope it lasts.
meat? smells good, but it's okay. i'm fine thank you.
snacks? takes all the willpower in the world especially when i get the munchies after meals. terrible, terrible cases of the munchies.
but somehow even the snacks sitting there, waiting to tempt me, aren't that appealing.
except for those days.
where all i want to do is have a massive cone of ice-cream or an iced chocolate.
let me not be reminded that this is merely the 6th day -_-"
and speaking of which,
it's still really early on, but i'd made a few interesting discoveries along the way.
honestly, going into it, i never really knew the real reason for fasting.
i just knew i felt compelled to do it.
like there was something in me urging me to go through it; experience it.
but now, i do know why i'm doing it; what for and how much breaking it with the smallest sliver of almond, the tiniest piece of cake in the world is actually saying about myself.
the little things that speak volumes; they are absolutely significant.
never really had any expectations coming into the fast, so i guess in that way i am an empty canvas getting excited over every little splatter of paint. which is pretty cool.
so, yes, i'm looking forward to see what gems i'd collect over the next 34 days and counting.
optimism.
i hope it lasts.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Sometimes
Sometimes it takes all the self-restraint in the world
to not tell u all the things i'm dying to say.
how much of a hypocrite u can be.
how much u are quick to anger.
how little tolerance u have when the things u say/do are said/done back to u.
But at the same time i feel silly.
no matter how undeserving it was,
no matter how upsetting it was,
for not wanting to speak to u.
and to try to show u i am upset.
And so i apologize.
Which is, once again, something i'd never say.
It's times like these i don't know whether i feel more stupid, angry, or guilty.
it seems the latter is my dominant trait.
and it sucks.
that no matter how angry i am,
i end up feeling responsible for it anyways.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Don't Look Down On Me
Some days, you've just got to trust me.
I will go above and beyond to do what needs to be done.
Daily dose of cliche: Don't judge a book by its cover.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Rude Awakenings
...At least, one of the many of them.
And the question I ask myself is since when and how I had begun to become so careless with the things people tell me.
It's always been a value I had always held dear - that what people choose to confide in and to keep confidential is a privilege, and a right that I should respect.
When had they become careless words I tossed around without sensitivity towards that person?
When had they become such a breach of privacy?
When had they become my secrets to tell, to elicit, to bring up?
It seems to me that the older I get the more I'm supposed to value these little treasures; to value the intimacy of a relationship with a person in need of a confidant; to value the fact that this person holds you in the highest of regard to be able to entrust you with the things they hold close to their hearts.
These secrets should not be a "burden" I am to carry.
I am merely an ear; a mouth.
I am merely an empathy; a sympathy.
It is truly disappointing, really, that I had spun little webs of deceit.
It's time to revert to the way I have been; the way I should be.
Daily dose of cliche: Strike these feet of clay.
And the question I ask myself is since when and how I had begun to become so careless with the things people tell me.
It's always been a value I had always held dear - that what people choose to confide in and to keep confidential is a privilege, and a right that I should respect.
When had they become careless words I tossed around without sensitivity towards that person?
When had they become such a breach of privacy?
When had they become my secrets to tell, to elicit, to bring up?
It seems to me that the older I get the more I'm supposed to value these little treasures; to value the intimacy of a relationship with a person in need of a confidant; to value the fact that this person holds you in the highest of regard to be able to entrust you with the things they hold close to their hearts.
These secrets should not be a "burden" I am to carry.
I am merely an ear; a mouth.
I am merely an empathy; a sympathy.
It is truly disappointing, really, that I had spun little webs of deceit.
It's time to revert to the way I have been; the way I should be.
Daily dose of cliche: Strike these feet of clay.
What's Up
You know something's up when....
You write every chance you get.
So.
What's up.
Is what I'd never say.
Daily dose of cliche: My lips are sealed.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Stress
Yup, it's that time of the year...only that it's a whole month earlier than usual (ref to prev post)
and now i'm full on freaking out.
That's what you get when you leave things to the last minute -_-"
...when you have a test tomorrow and you choose to fill your tummy and play with lanterns instead of study.
...when you choose to go on facebook and write to your friend after all that instead of study.
...and now you're forced to deal with the fact that "unprepared" is an utter and complete understatement to the way you feel about the test tomorrow.
That's what you get.
Add on the fact that you're in emotional turmoil from the insane piano hours, stress etc.,
you're pretty much screwed.
I feel drained and I'm not even a quarter of the way there yet.
Let's hope there's enough to keep me driven till then.
For now, I will take a deeeeeeeeep breath, switch off the lights, and sleep my worries away.
Daily dose of cliche: You see right through me.
and now i'm full on freaking out.
That's what you get when you leave things to the last minute -_-"
...when you have a test tomorrow and you choose to fill your tummy and play with lanterns instead of study.
...when you choose to go on facebook and write to your friend after all that instead of study.
...and now you're forced to deal with the fact that "unprepared" is an utter and complete understatement to the way you feel about the test tomorrow.
That's what you get.
Add on the fact that you're in emotional turmoil from the insane piano hours, stress etc.,
you're pretty much screwed.
I feel drained and I'm not even a quarter of the way there yet.
Let's hope there's enough to keep me driven till then.
For now, I will take a deeeeeeeeep breath, switch off the lights, and sleep my worries away.
Daily dose of cliche: You see right through me.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Inadequacies
Knowing my inadequacies,
inadequate being a total understatement....
is making me feel so sick with worry.
To deal with it I will do what I do best.
Sleep it off and never think about it again.
Until I really, REALLY have to.
Oh me oh my.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Asian Ointment
"X-oil", hong yiu, tiger balm.
the likes.
are the asian solution to EVERY single pathology it's insane.
and the excuse to putting off seeing the doctor.
GO SEE A DOCTOR PLEASE.
why am i freaking out on your behalf -_-"
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
It's Gonna Be a Craaaazy Month!
Seems like there's a tons of things to do in preparation for the month of October.
Gotta...
Start printing those lecture notes I was just too lazy to print throughout the semester,
Start listening to all of the lectures I'd missed out on,
Re-listen to the ones I found myself dozing off/actually slack-mouthed-semi-drooling in, which is basically everything,
Properly researching for diploma program notes,
Actually writing the damned thing,
Find the discipline to play all of my pieces in one sitting,
Progressively learn to squeeze it all into 30 minutes,
But before that actually knowing how to play them perfectly,
Study for piano,
Wonder why I was ever so ambitious with the piano,
And accepting the fact that there IS NO TURNING BACK :O,
Start on physio assignment which is due in October but sadly I'd be so swamped it's better to start now,
Actually pondering/praying over the 40-day fast commencing 24th September, learning its purpose, what I'd do etc.,
GET EXCITED
because mother's coming October as well!!
Let's see how much of it I really do in Sept,
fully aware of what needs to be done.
But, looking at it, thinking about it,
just makes me want to escape by drowning myself in tv shows.
Now THAT'S what I need to fast on.
Escapism.
Sigh.
Gotta...
Start printing those lecture notes I was just too lazy to print throughout the semester,
Start listening to all of the lectures I'd missed out on,
Re-listen to the ones I found myself dozing off/actually slack-mouthed-semi-drooling in, which is basically everything,
Properly researching for diploma program notes,
Actually writing the damned thing,
Find the discipline to play all of my pieces in one sitting,
Progressively learn to squeeze it all into 30 minutes,
But before that actually knowing how to play them perfectly,
Study for piano,
Wonder why I was ever so ambitious with the piano,
And accepting the fact that there IS NO TURNING BACK :O,
Start on physio assignment which is due in October but sadly I'd be so swamped it's better to start now,
Actually pondering/praying over the 40-day fast commencing 24th September, learning its purpose, what I'd do etc.,
GET EXCITED
because mother's coming October as well!!
Let's see how much of it I really do in Sept,
fully aware of what needs to be done.
But, looking at it, thinking about it,
just makes me want to escape by drowning myself in tv shows.
Now THAT'S what I need to fast on.
Escapism.
Sigh.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Underground
Just feel like sticking my head in a pit of sand.
Drown out the noise.
Drown out the sights.
The thing is, all the sights and sounds are in my head.
What to do, oh what to do.
Maybe I should just lie here for a while.
Drown out the noise.
Drown out the sights.
The thing is, all the sights and sounds are in my head.
What to do, oh what to do.
Maybe I should just lie here for a while.
Trip Down Memory Lane
Whilst looking for a picture of the (omigosh) most embarrassing "cake" I've ever made in my life,
I read some of my really really old posts from way back when.
Coupled with the world's best emo piano song, "Craig Armstrong - Glasgow Love Theme" it kinda shifted something in me.
Not too sure what it is yet, at the moment.
But it's sort of a feeling...that time flies. It really does.
Anyways, to add to this somber, somber note,
I chanced upon this:
I read some of my really really old posts from way back when.
Coupled with the world's best emo piano song, "Craig Armstrong - Glasgow Love Theme" it kinda shifted something in me.
Not too sure what it is yet, at the moment.
But it's sort of a feeling...that time flies. It really does.
Anyways, to add to this somber, somber note,
I chanced upon this:
I miss this little champ.
Still do and always will.
Sigh.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
All the sentimental bull
Some days i am fine, i get by comfortably, i do not stop and think.
Some minutes i am in a whirlwind of emotions, of confusion, of questioning, of doubt, of certainty.
Some days i ache.
Some days i choose to ignore.
Some days i choose to dwell.
Today i sit and dwell.
We'll see how it goes, won't we?
Daily dose of cliche: I will wear my heart upon my sleeve. At least, i will try.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Quiet
Sometimes, a little alone time is nice.
Like it is now.
Sometimes, it is just.....
Unbearable.
Like it was, till 5 minutes ago.
It just takes some getting used to :)
Daily dose of cliche: Love me, for me.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Confidence
Nothing is impossible for those that believe.
Nothing is impossible for our god.
I believe in you.
Open hearts, open minds.
That's all it takes.
Open hearts, open minds.
Let the barriers break.
Slice through the walls of unbelief.
Of instant doubt.
Of instant suspicion.
Wouldn't hurt to believe.
Who knows what you could be missing out on.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
In Awe
It never ceases to amaze me.
On the road to happy.
Hang in there.
Should probably stop being so cryptic.
I know what I'm talking about.
I hope that one day, you do too. :)
Vulnerability is an issue.
Daily dose of cliche: Smile, and the whole world smiles with you.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Incoherent
There's a massive brick wall
blocking me from you.
Smash it.
Reconnect.
Really really need to.
really really need you.
These thoughts are unrelenting.
Not feeling too well.
Mentally,
Emotionally,
Spiritually.
My heart's not in the right place.
At all.
My heart's not in the right place.
At all.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Well this is unexpected
Waking up 6.45 am,
Making breakfast at 7,
Feeling mighty passionate about the beethoven sonata,
Playing the piano in my head,
Eating legumes by 8.30,
Going to the market after a shower.
Feeling like time stretches out eons before me.
All this, on a Saturday morning...
Is unheard of in my world.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Just to make you feel better
Whatever did or did not happen,
will or will not happen.
Is just the way it should be.
Breathe deep.
Sit back, relax.
It's all going according to plan.
Daily dose of cliche: Come what may.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Discipline
When you start to drift............
It all comes down to this.
So they say.
It's either I am incredibly lazy to the point where I'm making excuses, or it really is a valid concern...
that by making something I think is supposed to be inspirational, spontaneous and enriching into a kind of study...a habitual form of study, the spirit of it is just being dampered?
Maybe I'm feigning ignorance. Deliberate ignorance (oh, the irony) to remain blissful in my lack of self-discipline. Just that now it isn't all that blissful anymore. It's more of an uncomfortable squirm.
I guess there isn't any way around it, then.
No more pushing away the responsibility of foreseeing my own growth, of seeding my faith.
It's all on me now.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Surge
Where is this coming from?
Feeling nostalgic, empty, heavy all at once.
And this is strange...writing here, once again.
Getting too used to just typing off the top of my head, without censorship, without care, without judgment.
But somehow i miss this :)
Airing my dirty laundry (mostly through vague, supposedly neutral-happy words) for everyone to see.
Strange that from the walk to the car, to the car ride itself, my mood has changed so significantly.
Which now makes me wonder why I can't figure myself out.
I've always found it hard to pinpoint where my emotions are coming from.
It's strange how I can bring myself to think I'm able to see through others...that I have them all figured out.
And myself?
Ask me to describe myself in 10 words and I wouldn't know where to begin.
These past few years have been a constant debate on genuinity. Sometimes it's hard to know for sure if what I'm doing is out of pure, unadulterated kindness care spirit of giving...and how much of it is done because of what I think is expected of me, is the social norm, is appropriate.
It's easy to tell myself that nobody can do all these out of purity of heart. It's easy to use it as an excuse to expect much less of yourself. Trust me, I do it all the time. I'm no saint. And there. Yet another one of these excuses.
I feel like I've been copping out. I can't keep on doing this to the point where everything I do no longer has purpose or meaning.
How much is real, and how much is just...because?
I'm not saying that every single time I"m showing kindness or giving praise it's phony.
But there are times where I feel I am backed into a corner, doing out of the fear of the guilt that ensues when I refuse.
Guilt. Fear and guilt.
What a powerful tool.
It's like a maze you can't get out of. And I, green as they come, am always the one watering the hedges to it. Make them taller. Make them denser. Help them keep me in.
It's good that I'm making progress with it. I find that over the years, its hold on me isn't as strong. But then again, there's always expectations causing it to rear its head. Expectations of how I am supposed to be. Expectations from my actions. Expectations and realizing how much I fall short...in my own eyes.
One good thing that can be taken away is how I internalize these expectations and not project them onto others.
One ugly thing is how much decay it's causing.
Because I find myself questioning my actions, my words, my thoughts way too much. Critical.
Like I am, right now.
I've always been like this. I don't know what I expect of myself, really. It's weird.
And I don't even know by whose standards am I using to judge myself.
I don't even know if anything good will come out of it.
I just find myself doing it.
I'd only just realized, middle of the year, how much this has been going on. It could've been years and I wouldn't even have known.
I know for a fact I'm not a perfectionist. I know I'm not perfect, and I never would be.
So, really, this brings me allll the way back to thinking: what is it I want from myself?
Maybe I just really want to know the real me.
Slough off all the grime and mud, all the sleek and shine, and find out what really is left at the core.
I want to know what beliefs really root deep; what values stem from them.
"How much of it is real".
How much of ME is real.
Question of genuinity.
Again.
Constantly.
It always does come back to this.
Feeling nostalgic, empty, heavy all at once.
And this is strange...writing here, once again.
Getting too used to just typing off the top of my head, without censorship, without care, without judgment.
But somehow i miss this :)
Airing my dirty laundry (mostly through vague, supposedly neutral-happy words) for everyone to see.
Strange that from the walk to the car, to the car ride itself, my mood has changed so significantly.
Which now makes me wonder why I can't figure myself out.
I've always found it hard to pinpoint where my emotions are coming from.
It's strange how I can bring myself to think I'm able to see through others...that I have them all figured out.
And myself?
Ask me to describe myself in 10 words and I wouldn't know where to begin.
These past few years have been a constant debate on genuinity. Sometimes it's hard to know for sure if what I'm doing is out of pure, unadulterated kindness care spirit of giving...and how much of it is done because of what I think is expected of me, is the social norm, is appropriate.
It's easy to tell myself that nobody can do all these out of purity of heart. It's easy to use it as an excuse to expect much less of yourself. Trust me, I do it all the time. I'm no saint. And there. Yet another one of these excuses.
I feel like I've been copping out. I can't keep on doing this to the point where everything I do no longer has purpose or meaning.
How much is real, and how much is just...because?
I'm not saying that every single time I"m showing kindness or giving praise it's phony.
But there are times where I feel I am backed into a corner, doing out of the fear of the guilt that ensues when I refuse.
Guilt. Fear and guilt.
What a powerful tool.
It's like a maze you can't get out of. And I, green as they come, am always the one watering the hedges to it. Make them taller. Make them denser. Help them keep me in.
It's good that I'm making progress with it. I find that over the years, its hold on me isn't as strong. But then again, there's always expectations causing it to rear its head. Expectations of how I am supposed to be. Expectations from my actions. Expectations and realizing how much I fall short...in my own eyes.
One good thing that can be taken away is how I internalize these expectations and not project them onto others.
One ugly thing is how much decay it's causing.
Because I find myself questioning my actions, my words, my thoughts way too much. Critical.
Like I am, right now.
I've always been like this. I don't know what I expect of myself, really. It's weird.
And I don't even know by whose standards am I using to judge myself.
I don't even know if anything good will come out of it.
I just find myself doing it.
I'd only just realized, middle of the year, how much this has been going on. It could've been years and I wouldn't even have known.
I know for a fact I'm not a perfectionist. I know I'm not perfect, and I never would be.
So, really, this brings me allll the way back to thinking: what is it I want from myself?
Maybe I just really want to know the real me.
Slough off all the grime and mud, all the sleek and shine, and find out what really is left at the core.
I want to know what beliefs really root deep; what values stem from them.
"How much of it is real".
How much of ME is real.
Question of genuinity.
Again.
Constantly.
It always does come back to this.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
O, how life should just stay fine and dandy! (READ AT OWN RISK)
I find that my walk with God is ever-changing; it's never constant, it never EVER sits still, it's always leading me somewhere else...mostly to a not very good place.
Just like anyone else, sometimes i find it hard.
sometimes it's just hard to believe in someone so widely believed, yet truly known so very little.
sometimes it's hard just to grasp the fact that he's here.
I feel like i'm floating, once again.
bobbing in the waves in the wide sea of the unknown.
i find that after a moment of epiphany; of conviction; of true faith, i will start to venture deeper and out of my comfort zone at the shallow end.
and here the trouble starts.
here, i will start to doubt and doubt and doubt and question till the point where i will have no good answer to bring me back to where i was.
and here, i start to believe that maybe there is a purpose in the bible after all :)
after years of believing that the bible is just...man-made writings to keep people "on track" often by things i don't agree with, mostly by instilling fear and judgment and guilt into our heads (yes, i notice it's not very "christian-like" of me, and i am being sarcastic here), there may be a valid reason for why it was written.
get over the fact that in the old testament god is this wrathful god who smites you if you do wrong, and in the new testament, he's forgiving and kind and loving, you will see how both gods are one and the same.
now i view the bible as a series of testimonies - like what we hear in church. people sharing their stories and experiences, be it those with god, or just their lives in general.
it brings about encouragement for those who are going through the same things; it tries to keep you in the walk of faith; it teaches you not to give up.
sure, the context seems entirely unrelated to you or what you're doing...but keep in mind these were written in a lifestyle completely different from ours. try to put what they're saying into perspective, put it in the context in which they were written, and maybe you'd be able to figure out the message.
not like i can do it myself.
anyways, just so you know, this is just what i think, lol. not that i'd started reading it a lot...but i'm starting.
this is just a change of view.
so that i might not think of the bible as this redundant, forceful, uninspiring book.
Anyways, so last night i was reminded of how i used to be as a child.
i remember that at the very tender age of 9/10 i'd started to question god.
i'd already started to plant seeds of doubt in me.
i started early :S
needless to say my relationship with god was not a very smooth-sailing one.
it didn't even really start till i came here. and even then it wasn't close to where it was now either. not that now is where i'd always imagined myself to be; but i do see growth and maturity in this relationship.
i don't feel like i regret being the way i was in the past.
i think that it doesn't really matter if i start early or late...
religion and faith and belief are choices i make.
everyday i choose to believe.
everyday i choose to talk to god.
everyday i choose to see him as the one who'd created the universe and his children. the one who sustains us and creates an interdependence between everything.
it doesn't matter that as a child i'd have bible verses hammered into my head and not understand a word of it.
it doesn't matter that as a child i'd have adults telling me that if i do something wrong, i'd go to hell. okay maybe it does cause that just made me so fearful of the almighty god who'd throw his children in the hellish pits of fire.
which now brings me to the fact that i do not believe in hell. my mind is on this 5-way fork road now and i'm sorry i can't stop. lol.
i seriously don't believe that our father would send his children to live in pain and suffering for all of eternity, in a desert, abandoned, dry, homeless and alone.
okay imagine this scenario:
someone's born with severe imperfections due to congenital disease and is very very very bitter about it. he starts to hate god, he questions god and soon he becomes violent. he inflicts physical and mental harm onto others and one day he kills someone. (he may or may not feel shitty [even more so than before] for the rest of his life because of that)
would he be wrong, even though there was a valid reason for him doing so?
if god were to judge him, wouldn't he consider why he'd done what he'd done?
sure, he could have lived his life differently; in acceptance, happiness and grace. god would know it wouldn't be easy. god would know that it's circumstances that lead us to do what we do. circumstances, and also choices (yes i talk about choice a lot -_-")
so anyways, would god really condemn this man to live in hell for eternity?
his child had already gone through so much hell in his life that'd cause him to commit one mistake out of frustration. would he let him go through more hell, now literally so, in his afterlife?
would god let ANYONE through hell after death? be it those born perfect or imperfect.
i don't know. but i'm leaning towards NO.
i mean, sure, god will punish you, like any good father would. yes, good fathers do that okay. if not we'd end up spoilt little brats.
anyways, so what if god only brings upon punishment on us in our life on earth (i.e. in this case via the justice system)....wouldn't that spare us from his eternal wrath? frankly i don't think a father can be so angry with his kid that he'd punish him for as long as he lives. surely there will come a point where he forgives you and decides to move on...no matter how wrong you were.
this very long-winded thought just boils down to the fact that i do not believe in hell.
i believe in an afterlife; a life of eternity in a world god had first created it to be. in a world where everyone fulfills their purpose and live not in fear and blame and guilt, but in love and kindness and harmony. sounds very hippie, doesn't it? :S maybe the hippies had it right!
in the end, after all that filtration and refinement, what you believe is what remains from that process. the sediments of your faith is often what you choose it to be. whatever you choose to believe. doesn't necessarily have to be right (not that anyone has "the right answer"), but if it helps build that relationship, then i guess whatever works for you will work. in this slippery, often intangible subject of religion, almost everything is subjective and up to you to interpret. i'd sure love it if there was a book to tell us what to do and...oh wait, that's the bible. :S hrrrmmmms okay. i shall leave that for another day! :):)
toodledumtoodledees.
Just like anyone else, sometimes i find it hard.
sometimes it's just hard to believe in someone so widely believed, yet truly known so very little.
sometimes it's hard just to grasp the fact that he's here.
I feel like i'm floating, once again.
bobbing in the waves in the wide sea of the unknown.
i find that after a moment of epiphany; of conviction; of true faith, i will start to venture deeper and out of my comfort zone at the shallow end.
and here the trouble starts.
here, i will start to doubt and doubt and doubt and question till the point where i will have no good answer to bring me back to where i was.
and here, i start to believe that maybe there is a purpose in the bible after all :)
after years of believing that the bible is just...man-made writings to keep people "on track" often by things i don't agree with, mostly by instilling fear and judgment and guilt into our heads (yes, i notice it's not very "christian-like" of me, and i am being sarcastic here), there may be a valid reason for why it was written.
get over the fact that in the old testament god is this wrathful god who smites you if you do wrong, and in the new testament, he's forgiving and kind and loving, you will see how both gods are one and the same.
now i view the bible as a series of testimonies - like what we hear in church. people sharing their stories and experiences, be it those with god, or just their lives in general.
it brings about encouragement for those who are going through the same things; it tries to keep you in the walk of faith; it teaches you not to give up.
sure, the context seems entirely unrelated to you or what you're doing...but keep in mind these were written in a lifestyle completely different from ours. try to put what they're saying into perspective, put it in the context in which they were written, and maybe you'd be able to figure out the message.
not like i can do it myself.
anyways, just so you know, this is just what i think, lol. not that i'd started reading it a lot...but i'm starting.
this is just a change of view.
so that i might not think of the bible as this redundant, forceful, uninspiring book.
Anyways, so last night i was reminded of how i used to be as a child.
i remember that at the very tender age of 9/10 i'd started to question god.
i'd already started to plant seeds of doubt in me.
i started early :S
needless to say my relationship with god was not a very smooth-sailing one.
it didn't even really start till i came here. and even then it wasn't close to where it was now either. not that now is where i'd always imagined myself to be; but i do see growth and maturity in this relationship.
i don't feel like i regret being the way i was in the past.
i think that it doesn't really matter if i start early or late...
religion and faith and belief are choices i make.
everyday i choose to believe.
everyday i choose to talk to god.
everyday i choose to see him as the one who'd created the universe and his children. the one who sustains us and creates an interdependence between everything.
it doesn't matter that as a child i'd have bible verses hammered into my head and not understand a word of it.
it doesn't matter that as a child i'd have adults telling me that if i do something wrong, i'd go to hell. okay maybe it does cause that just made me so fearful of the almighty god who'd throw his children in the hellish pits of fire.
which now brings me to the fact that i do not believe in hell. my mind is on this 5-way fork road now and i'm sorry i can't stop. lol.
i seriously don't believe that our father would send his children to live in pain and suffering for all of eternity, in a desert, abandoned, dry, homeless and alone.
okay imagine this scenario:
someone's born with severe imperfections due to congenital disease and is very very very bitter about it. he starts to hate god, he questions god and soon he becomes violent. he inflicts physical and mental harm onto others and one day he kills someone. (he may or may not feel shitty [even more so than before] for the rest of his life because of that)
would he be wrong, even though there was a valid reason for him doing so?
if god were to judge him, wouldn't he consider why he'd done what he'd done?
sure, he could have lived his life differently; in acceptance, happiness and grace. god would know it wouldn't be easy. god would know that it's circumstances that lead us to do what we do. circumstances, and also choices (yes i talk about choice a lot -_-")
so anyways, would god really condemn this man to live in hell for eternity?
his child had already gone through so much hell in his life that'd cause him to commit one mistake out of frustration. would he let him go through more hell, now literally so, in his afterlife?
would god let ANYONE through hell after death? be it those born perfect or imperfect.
i don't know. but i'm leaning towards NO.
i mean, sure, god will punish you, like any good father would. yes, good fathers do that okay. if not we'd end up spoilt little brats.
anyways, so what if god only brings upon punishment on us in our life on earth (i.e. in this case via the justice system)....wouldn't that spare us from his eternal wrath? frankly i don't think a father can be so angry with his kid that he'd punish him for as long as he lives. surely there will come a point where he forgives you and decides to move on...no matter how wrong you were.
this very long-winded thought just boils down to the fact that i do not believe in hell.
i believe in an afterlife; a life of eternity in a world god had first created it to be. in a world where everyone fulfills their purpose and live not in fear and blame and guilt, but in love and kindness and harmony. sounds very hippie, doesn't it? :S maybe the hippies had it right!
in the end, after all that filtration and refinement, what you believe is what remains from that process. the sediments of your faith is often what you choose it to be. whatever you choose to believe. doesn't necessarily have to be right (not that anyone has "the right answer"), but if it helps build that relationship, then i guess whatever works for you will work. in this slippery, often intangible subject of religion, almost everything is subjective and up to you to interpret. i'd sure love it if there was a book to tell us what to do and...oh wait, that's the bible. :S hrrrmmmms okay. i shall leave that for another day! :):)
toodledumtoodledees.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
CRY!!!!
OH MA GAWWDDD
most beautiful thing i've heard in a loooong time. (don't judge the ahma-esque lady by her appearance ok she's brilliant lol!)
new fav: lizst. he never seems to fail me.
maybe, just maaaaaybe i will *semi* learn it.
after the exams :D
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
ZOMGGGGGG
Anyone had those moments where they open up and read their diaries from way back when and cringe SO BAD ur pangsai just flows out?
Cause i just did.
LOL!
oh my goshhhh i am SO glad i'm not the person i was back in '07 and beyond anymore. at least the ones i'd written one year ago were pretty okay. lol. buttttt despite the cringe fest it was kinda cool to track how much you've changed - i.e. the way you think and feel and the things you feel are important enough to report to yourself (this sounds kinda retarded. it's like i ain't got no friends).
Sooooo i think it's time i started a new one :)
Oh, i already did. haha. maybe 20 years from now i will look back and cringe. again.
Don't let me down, future me!!!!
Cause i just did.
LOL!
oh my goshhhh i am SO glad i'm not the person i was back in '07 and beyond anymore. at least the ones i'd written one year ago were pretty okay. lol. buttttt despite the cringe fest it was kinda cool to track how much you've changed - i.e. the way you think and feel and the things you feel are important enough to report to yourself (this sounds kinda retarded. it's like i ain't got no friends).
Sooooo i think it's time i started a new one :)
Oh, i already did. haha. maybe 20 years from now i will look back and cringe. again.
Don't let me down, future me!!!!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
It's ABOUT Time...
THAT I PUT MY
GAME
FACE
ON!!!
but i can't. :(
and i won't.
i'm purposely sabotaging my game face plan by sitting in front of the massive comp screen,
procrastinating in the form of DINER DASH.
bloody level 28 is left unconquered.
and should be left so until the holidays!!!
dontcha think?
that's what i SHOULD think.
but i can't help it.
i must sabotage myself.
LOL.
sometimes...i just wish...
i was as paranoid and kiasu as everybody else! :p
sometimes...i just wish...
i was as paranoid and kiasu as everybody else! :p
Sunday, March 7, 2010
TUMBLING MADNESSsss
Probably not the best time to start something as POINTLESS and *WU LIAO* as this, but...
smiles :)
Saturday, March 6, 2010
FINALLY AN UPDATE!
y'all have NO IDEA how many sticks of patience i had run through just trying to get blogger to bloody let me post! grrrhs.
but anyhoooos, loads to update on yay (all about my whole 3-ish [though it seriously wasn't enough can u bliv it] months of holiday) nyehehehe.
i shall start with the ladies' trip to TAIWAN (joined for a while by the lone ranger) with the mother and biggest (not literally na, don't be offended :p) sister.
SO, during the trip, i became an old lady...
a soldier...
*wah he damn pro can stand in the hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot sun without shrinking into a prune!!*
and ate HELLLLLLLLL lot of food.
i think this was like. some taiwan-food-scavenging trip or smt :)
but it was damn fun. LOOOVING the streets lined with hawker food!
extremely yummilicious sweet potato chips!!
loooooves
mum shyiok eating dessert
sister shyiok
ooh, mother shyiok part II
i shyiok
we both shyiok
everybody shyiok :D
but it's not over.
lined up just cause we saw hell lot of ppl lining up.
and ended up buying this thing directly translated as big intestine wrapped in small intestine.
but don't worry. it's sausage within a sausage :)
anyways, got so caught up in the eating that i tried to feed a ghost some doughnut.
didn't work tho.
she has SKILL!! i mean, who in the world can resist mr.donut doughnuts?! love them to bits :D
there was a lot more food involved, but i shall skip straight to the other important bits, e.g.
that we saw the 101 (and went inside to buy absolutely nothing)
that we went to the cultural village and had loads of eye candy along the way
oops, another one one eating...
...ate duck TONGUE,
which the lone ranger and the mother thoroughly enjoyed!
found a piece of chicken bigger than my FACE
discovered the lady 007
and finally stumbled upon hello kitty heaven
...at the airport.
complete with hello kitty world map and hello kitty phone booth.
gila.
so yes, there were a lot lot lot lot more but wayyy too much to put in. ABSOLUTELY LOVE taiwan. the ppl are so friggin polite and friendly its a little bit absurd! but can't say ALL lah. there would be the odd one or two who aren't so nice like the rest (and i speculate that they are from the cheena side of things)
oh, and one more thing: we saw MAGIC POWER and DORAEMON *so if they ever become famous i can say i saw them hohoho*
rest of the holiday? went to mulu. saw loads of caves, walked quite a bit till my calves could explode.
had this...5C thing whichhhh was sad because many many many ppl were missing lols
this is not all of us okay. not so sad la lol
aww we look so young :)
forever young bah nyehehehe
feel free to experience that stab of jealousy now!
besides that, and piano, it was asking my tummy almost every hour of the day "what do you feel like eating now?"
...and then go eat something else.
so yeah.
END POST.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Sighs, sometimes things just do not go as planned.
:(
but, being my optimistic and EXTREMELY hopeful self (which kinda sucks sometimes cause it intensifies the disappointment and cacatness of something gone wrong)...
i will hope and hope and hope that i will end up at the same destination.
just via another, albeit lengthy and mahuan (-_-"), route.
yeah but i was just disappointed for a whole bloody day...and it made me reconsider doing it.
i have now (a few days later) decided to just GO FOR IT. but i don't know how. lol.
so, i guess, we shall wait and seeeeeee.
:(
but, being my optimistic and EXTREMELY hopeful self (which kinda sucks sometimes cause it intensifies the disappointment and cacatness of something gone wrong)...
i will hope and hope and hope that i will end up at the same destination.
just via another, albeit lengthy and mahuan (-_-"), route.
yeah but i was just disappointed for a whole bloody day...and it made me reconsider doing it.
i have now (a few days later) decided to just GO FOR IT. but i don't know how. lol.
so, i guess, we shall wait and seeeeeee.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Signs of Aging :(
O WAIL my achy-breaky....heart?
NOT.
...my achy-breaky BONES!!!
my bones are cracking and protesting (very very loudly, mind you) every time i move!!! seeeeriously it is so terrible i cannot put into words the extent of it. :( and i'm so young boo hoo.
what to do, oh what to do.
this is slightly depressing, seeing as how i'm most probably gonna be one of the first first first first people in my age range to get arthritis or smt choichoichoi!!
i should start doing stretches every morning/night like my good old daddy does. WHOAH my dad is 1000000 gabillion times more flexible than me. which kinda kills it even more for me. sighs.
ON ANOTHER NOTE,
i can't believe inglorious basterds did not win best motion picture!!!!! i mean, like SERIOUSLY. avatar is gooood and all, but heck. ain't as good and entertaining as inglorious basterdsssss. potong steam :(
oh, ON ANOTHER ANOTHER NOTE, :) :) :)
ok there isn't another note. the note is the same.
but just a random...i dno, fact or something.
that my piano teacher's house is officially kampung saya nombor dua. it's INSANE how many times i pop over to her place for things exam-related and not even have actual piano lessons. but, thank god, it's all over tomorrow morning. enrollment is OFFICIAL as of 8.00 am whew. aaaand i'd been advised to keep my phone switched on and super-glued to my side the second i wake up cause my teacher's paranoid and a little OCD lol!! but god bless her heart she is the awesomest piano teacher in the world :)
hrm. enough weirdness. gotta go lim 7-layer (zomg) teh now heh heh hehhh.
NOT.
...my achy-breaky BONES!!!
my bones are cracking and protesting (very very loudly, mind you) every time i move!!! seeeeriously it is so terrible i cannot put into words the extent of it. :( and i'm so young boo hoo.
what to do, oh what to do.
this is slightly depressing, seeing as how i'm most probably gonna be one of the first first first first people in my age range to get arthritis or smt choichoichoi!!
i should start doing stretches every morning/night like my good old daddy does. WHOAH my dad is 1000000 gabillion times more flexible than me. which kinda kills it even more for me. sighs.
ON ANOTHER NOTE,
i can't believe inglorious basterds did not win best motion picture!!!!! i mean, like SERIOUSLY. avatar is gooood and all, but heck. ain't as good and entertaining as inglorious basterdsssss. potong steam :(
oh, ON ANOTHER ANOTHER NOTE, :) :) :)
ok there isn't another note. the note is the same.
but just a random...i dno, fact or something.
that my piano teacher's house is officially kampung saya nombor dua. it's INSANE how many times i pop over to her place for things exam-related and not even have actual piano lessons. but, thank god, it's all over tomorrow morning. enrollment is OFFICIAL as of 8.00 am whew. aaaand i'd been advised to keep my phone switched on and super-glued to my side the second i wake up cause my teacher's paranoid and a little OCD lol!! but god bless her heart she is the awesomest piano teacher in the world :)
hrm. enough weirdness. gotta go lim 7-layer (zomg) teh now heh heh hehhh.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
O DIVINE POWER!
yes, i need help.
i need LOADS of help.
charging ahead despite:
1. my lack of discipline...which contributes to (ok it probably is the sole cause of : )
2. my lack of confidence in my studies and whatever else i'm doing...which happens to be the piano exam i feel i have an extreeeemely high probability of failing.
but surprisingly, people do not seem to think so. surprising, because i seriously am no good :S
hence, O DIVINE POWER. make it so that i create and integrate and FULFILL the very belated new year's resolution that is to use my time wisely. -_-"
i think i'm doing the right thing, at least. there's no other time like the present, they say. i don't think i'd ever get around to completing this 2-year goal if i don't take the initiative to enrol. hrrrmmm.
so, right now, i'm doing research for my programme notes. and wowww reading all these stuff about the pieces really kinda brings them composers to life! i mean, it's easy to play the songs and feel what u feel, often forgetting that there was a living human being behind these songs...and how real events led to their amazing creations! somehow (cause usually i think it gila cheesy) i find the fact that beethoven wrote his "moonlight sonata" for his, i dno, love of his life is so frikkin sweet. so romantic-ky. that his love is printed on a page everywhere in the world!! plus the song is so beautiful. :):):):)
life as of now is piano-filled and not much else besides bumming and hanging out :p
and worrying if i can pull it all of nxt yr.
thomas the choo choo train shall be my inspiration. :D
p/s being bitten to death by bloody mosquitoes!
will turn into blotchy bulbous human if they don't just drop off and die!!!
p/p/s stupid sausages bit holes into my favourite dress. -_-"
i need LOADS of help.
charging ahead despite:
1. my lack of discipline...which contributes to (ok it probably is the sole cause of : )
2. my lack of confidence in my studies and whatever else i'm doing...which happens to be the piano exam i feel i have an extreeeemely high probability of failing.
but surprisingly, people do not seem to think so. surprising, because i seriously am no good :S
hence, O DIVINE POWER. make it so that i create and integrate and FULFILL the very belated new year's resolution that is to use my time wisely. -_-"
i think i'm doing the right thing, at least. there's no other time like the present, they say. i don't think i'd ever get around to completing this 2-year goal if i don't take the initiative to enrol. hrrrmmm.
so, right now, i'm doing research for my programme notes. and wowww reading all these stuff about the pieces really kinda brings them composers to life! i mean, it's easy to play the songs and feel what u feel, often forgetting that there was a living human being behind these songs...and how real events led to their amazing creations! somehow (cause usually i think it gila cheesy) i find the fact that beethoven wrote his "moonlight sonata" for his, i dno, love of his life is so frikkin sweet. so romantic-ky. that his love is printed on a page everywhere in the world!! plus the song is so beautiful. :):):):)
life as of now is piano-filled and not much else besides bumming and hanging out :p
and worrying if i can pull it all of nxt yr.
thomas the choo choo train shall be my inspiration. :D
p/s being bitten to death by bloody mosquitoes!
will turn into blotchy bulbous human if they don't just drop off and die!!!
p/p/s stupid sausages bit holes into my favourite dress. -_-"
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