An Ode to Sigmund Freud

this, people, is mr. sigmund freud.
...whom i had to read countless chapters on back in my Trinity year for some HOI essay thingamajig.
and frankly i think he's just some crazy bugger.
he's a looney one, really. hahaha.
but he's suggested that dreams are repressed memories that the brain brings into consciousness - without us being fully conscious. basically this is the gist of it. and he says that it reflects personality.
what if he's right??
then what would that say about me??

i've always had freaky dreams. the freakiest would be the ones which involve me killing people.
..especially people i know.
like, murdering people in the most vivid and gruesome way imaginable.
there are 3 that i can really remember. and they disturb me to the core.
i not only see myself murdering innocent people, i see the splattering blood and the disfigurement it ensues.
and in these 3 cases, they are extreeeeemely vivid.
just last night i dreamt of shooting a girl ( i think i knew her ) in the face multiple times with a hand gun. i remember feeling really relieved upon finding the gun so i could shoot her. she'd have holes in her face and it'd be streaming with blood but she just.wouldn't.die. so i kept shooting her. LOL. and STILL she would still be coming towards me!!!
i don't know at what point i woke up, but i sure felt glad to wake. somehow this time i didn't feel guilty, like i did for the last 2 "murders".
somehow they all involve using some weapon...in one, the grass cutter blade which i'd used to dismember many many people in trinity's bull paddock (hahaha). another one, using a blunt pole to stab this girl in the face  till she had no face. and i'd be overcome with guilt. then extremely relieved to wake up.

SO WHAT DOES THIS SAY?!?!?!?
am i evil????
will i become evil????
did someone try to kill me way back when so now my unconscious is warning me when i can finally defend myself?

or is this all just due to insignificantly random brain activity?
hhhrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

owells. -_-"
just don't get on my nerves and maybe i wouldn't dream of killing u
:p

I've just been shown something...about a person's past.
and now i can't stop thinking.
about how i've been living with this person for SO LONG.
walking past her, talking to her, yet never really building a really significant relationship with her.
despite and apart from the god-given relationship we have.

Now i'm wondering how i could have been so oblivious to the things going on around me.
Oblivious to her troubles.
Oblivious to her pent up emotions.
for many many many years now.

It's one thing to learn to let your guard down,
and another to not try by saying that it's just not in our nature.
maybe we all should've been more supportive. closer.
i know i could have.

So it all comes down to building relationships.
ours just wasn't really there.
that, i know.
because that, i feel.

Now, i know. and shit, it's only now that i sorta get why you do the things you do. did the things u did.
and why u are the way u are.
i hope it's just not too late to change the way things are.
but somehow i do see a difference between now and then.

The point is i'm sorry.
that i've always been impatient with u.
that we've never had what u needed.
but it's good we have what we have. it counts for something, at least.
and most of all i'm sorry you had to lug all this shit around for so long.

but i know things would be for the better :)

Let me present...

THE WAR ZONE

this is as organized as it gets.

LOL.