O, how life should just stay fine and dandy! (READ AT OWN RISK)

I find that my walk with God is ever-changing; it's never constant, it never EVER sits still, it's always leading me somewhere else...mostly to a not very good place.

Just like anyone else, sometimes i find it hard.
sometimes it's just hard to believe in someone so widely believed, yet truly known so very little.
sometimes it's hard just to grasp the fact that he's here.

I feel like i'm floating, once again.
bobbing in the waves in the wide sea of the unknown.
i find that after a moment of epiphany; of conviction; of true faith, i will start to venture deeper and out of my comfort zone at the shallow end.
and here the trouble starts.
here, i will start to doubt and doubt and doubt and question till the point where i will have no good answer to bring me back to where i was.
and here, i start to believe that maybe there is a purpose in the bible after all :)
after years of believing that the bible is just...man-made writings to keep people "on track" often by things i don't agree with, mostly by instilling fear and judgment and guilt into our heads (yes, i notice it's not very "christian-like" of me, and i am being sarcastic here), there may be a valid reason for why it was written.
get over the fact that in the old testament god is this wrathful god who smites you if you do wrong, and in the new testament, he's forgiving and kind and loving, you will see how both gods are one and the same.
now i view the bible as a series of testimonies - like what we hear in church. people sharing their stories and experiences, be it those with god, or just their lives in general.
it brings about encouragement for those who are going through the same things; it tries to keep you in the walk of faith; it teaches you not to give up.
sure, the context seems entirely unrelated to you or what you're doing...but keep in mind these were written in a lifestyle completely different from ours. try to put what they're saying into perspective, put it in the context in which they were written, and maybe you'd be able to figure out the message.
not like i can do it myself.
anyways, just so you know, this is just what i think, lol. not that i'd started reading it a lot...but i'm starting.
this is just a change of view.
so that i might not think of the bible as this redundant, forceful, uninspiring book.

Anyways, so last night i was reminded of how i used to be as a child.
i remember that at the very tender age of 9/10 i'd started to question god.
i'd already started to plant seeds of doubt in me.
i started early :S
needless to say my relationship with god was not a very smooth-sailing one.
it didn't even really start till i came here. and even then it wasn't close to where it was now either. not that now is where i'd always imagined myself to be; but i do see growth and maturity in this relationship.
i don't feel like i regret being the way i was in the past.
i think that it doesn't really matter if i start early or late...
religion and faith and belief are choices i make.
everyday i choose to believe.
everyday i choose to talk to god.
everyday i choose to see him as the one who'd created the universe and his children. the one who sustains us and creates an interdependence between everything.
it doesn't matter that as a child i'd have bible verses hammered into my head and not understand a word of it.
it doesn't matter that as a child i'd have adults telling me that if i do something wrong, i'd go to hell. okay maybe it does cause that just made me so fearful of the almighty god who'd throw his children in the hellish pits of fire.

which now brings me to the fact that i do not believe in hell. my mind is on this 5-way fork road now and i'm sorry i can't stop. lol.
i seriously don't believe that our father would send his children to live in pain and suffering for all of eternity, in a desert, abandoned, dry, homeless and alone.
okay imagine this scenario:
someone's born with severe imperfections due to congenital disease and is very very very bitter about it. he starts to hate god, he questions god and soon he becomes violent. he inflicts physical and mental harm onto others and one day he kills someone. (he may or may not feel shitty [even more so than before] for the rest of his life because of that)
would he be wrong, even though there was a valid reason for him doing so?
if god were to judge him, wouldn't he consider why he'd done what he'd done?
sure, he could have lived his life differently; in acceptance, happiness and grace. god would know it wouldn't be easy. god would know that it's circumstances that lead us to do what we do. circumstances, and also choices (yes i talk about choice a lot -_-")
so anyways, would god really condemn this man to live in hell for eternity?
his child had already gone through so much hell in his life that'd cause him to commit one mistake out of frustration. would he let him go through more hell, now literally so, in his afterlife?
would god let ANYONE through hell after death? be it those born perfect or imperfect.
i don't know. but i'm leaning towards NO.
i mean, sure, god will punish you, like any good father would. yes, good fathers do that okay. if not we'd end up spoilt little brats.
anyways, so what if god only brings upon punishment on us in our life on earth (i.e. in this case via the justice system)....wouldn't that spare us from his eternal wrath? frankly i don't think a father can be so angry with his kid that he'd punish him for as long as he lives. surely there will come a point where he forgives you and decides to move on...no matter how wrong you were.
this very long-winded thought just boils down to the fact that i do not believe in hell.
i believe in an afterlife; a life of eternity in a world god had first created it to be. in a world where everyone fulfills their purpose and live not in fear and blame and guilt, but in love and kindness and harmony. sounds very hippie, doesn't it? :S maybe the hippies had it right!

in the end, after all that filtration and refinement, what you believe is what remains from that process. the sediments of your faith is often what you choose it to be. whatever you choose to believe. doesn't necessarily have to be right (not that anyone has "the right answer"), but if it helps build that relationship, then i guess whatever works for you will work. in this slippery, often intangible subject of religion, almost everything is subjective and up to you to interpret. i'd sure love it if there was a book to tell us what to do and...oh wait, that's the bible. :S hrrrmmmms okay. i shall leave that for another day! :):)

toodledumtoodledees.

OK AND THEN I GOT OVER IT

:p

CRY!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_GKF7Z-qTs

OH MA GAWWDDD

most beautiful thing i've heard in a loooong time. (don't judge the ahma-esque lady by her appearance ok she's brilliant lol!)

new fav: lizst. he never seems to fail me.

maybe, just maaaaaybe i will *semi* learn it.

after the exams :D

ZOMGGGGGG

Anyone had those moments where they open up and read their diaries from way back when and cringe SO BAD ur pangsai just flows out?

Cause i just did.

LOL!

oh my goshhhh i am SO glad i'm not the person i was back in '07 and beyond anymore. at least the ones i'd written one year ago were pretty okay. lol. buttttt despite the cringe fest it was kinda cool to track how much you've changed - i.e. the way you think and feel and the things you feel are important enough to report to yourself (this sounds kinda retarded. it's like i ain't got no friends).

Sooooo i think it's time i started a new one :)

Oh, i already did. haha. maybe 20 years from now i will look back and cringe. again.

Don't let me down, future me!!!!