Sometimes it's difficult to be where you want to be, or be who you want to be.
It's difficult to leave it up to someone bigger than you.
As much as I say I do, there's always a tiny reserved portion deep down inside that can't help obsessing
about what may or may not come out of it.
I know, being the person that I am or always have been,
I will end up alright if things just don't work out the way I want it to.
But I guess I'm saying it'd be hard not to feel disappointed if that was the case.
I know in some way or another I could attribute the good things or bad stuff to the big man upstairs.
Is that really me putting trust in Him?
Or is it just a cop out?
Am I merely shirking responsibility and evading harsh realities?
Or do I truly, truly, in all certainty, believe that my fate has been ordained by Him, that I have been born with such a purpose that He will help me get on whatever path takes me there?
I honestly don't know.
What I do know, though, is that I have been feeling very...compelled...towards doing certain things these past few days/weeks/months.
It's completely irrational and incomprehensible, the way I feel and have felt.
There's an urge to do things that are way beyond my comfort zone.
Taking up roles that I otherwise would not have.
Tithing x amount of money that I otherwise would not have given.
Getting jobs that I would not even have considered in the first place.
Applying for jobs that would have meant less income and more work.
Spending time with people I otherwise would not have given a second glance.
Lots of things happening around me.
In me.
And I pray to God that it doesn't become all about....stuff.
That as much as I'm doing what I'm doing and doing more than what I've been doing,
It never just amounts to just...doing stuff.
I need to remember
That it's all about you.
