Surge

Where is this coming from?
Feeling nostalgic, empty, heavy all at once.
And this is strange...writing here, once again.
Getting too used to just typing off the top of my head, without censorship, without care, without judgment.
But somehow i miss this :)
Airing my dirty laundry (mostly through vague, supposedly neutral-happy words) for everyone to see.
Strange that from the walk to the car, to the car ride itself, my mood has changed so significantly.
Which now makes me wonder why I can't figure myself out.
I've always found it hard to pinpoint where my emotions are coming from.
It's strange how I can bring myself to think I'm able to see through others...that I have them all figured out.
And myself?
Ask me to describe myself in 10 words and I wouldn't know where to begin.
These past few years have been a constant debate on genuinity. Sometimes it's hard to know for sure if what I'm doing is out of pure, unadulterated kindness care spirit of giving...and how much of it is done because of what I think is expected of me, is the social norm, is appropriate.
It's easy to tell myself that nobody can do all these out of purity of heart. It's easy to use it as an excuse to expect much less of yourself. Trust me, I do it all the time. I'm no saint. And there. Yet another one of these excuses.
I feel like I've been copping out. I can't keep on doing this to the point where everything I do no longer has purpose or meaning.
How much is real, and how much is just...because?
I'm not saying that every single time I"m showing kindness or giving praise it's phony.
But there are times where I feel I am backed into a corner, doing out of the fear of the guilt that ensues when I refuse.
Guilt. Fear and guilt.
What a powerful tool.
It's like a maze you can't get out of. And I, green as they come, am always the one watering the hedges to it. Make them taller. Make them denser. Help them keep me in.
It's good that I'm making progress with it. I find that over the years, its hold on me isn't as strong. But then again, there's always expectations causing it to rear its head. Expectations of how I am supposed to be. Expectations from my actions. Expectations and realizing how much I fall short...in my own eyes.
One good thing that can be taken away is how I internalize these expectations and not project them onto others.
One ugly thing is how much decay it's causing.
Because I find myself questioning my actions, my words, my thoughts way too much. Critical.
Like I am, right now.
I've always been like this. I don't know what I expect of myself, really. It's weird.
And I don't even know by whose standards am I using to judge myself.
I don't even know if anything good will come out of it.
I just find myself doing it.
I'd only just realized, middle of the year, how much this has been going on. It could've been years and I wouldn't even have known.

I know for a fact I'm not a perfectionist. I know I'm not perfect, and I never would be.
So, really, this brings me allll the way back to thinking: what is it I want from myself?
Maybe I just really want to know the real me.
Slough off all the grime and mud, all the sleek and shine, and find out what really is left at the core.
I want to know what beliefs really root deep; what values stem from them.
"How much of it is real".
How much of ME is real.
Question of genuinity.
Again.
Constantly.
It always does come back to this.