Slant

Some days, you just can't help but look on with envious eyes.

 Even if it makes no sense,

Serves no purpose,

Solves no problem.

 不知不觉让了自己感染到
谁知连距离都取不掉你那么污染的感觉

The Thing About Death

I'd have to say that this little piece of news rocked everyone's safe world with its ginormous impact. It's the abruptness of it all; the fact that a life was extinguished just like that - with no tell-tale sign, no time for preparation.

In the most selfish way imaginable I'm glad I never really knew him. Like I said, it's selfish. God knows how I would've reacted if it were someone I've been so attached to for a decade. I think I would've burst out laughing for a full hour to be honest. That's how warped my reactions to all things emotional can be I kid you not. It's only started to sink in -- everyone's starting to accept the fact that we'd never see this person in the flesh, ever again. It's the finality of it all that really scares me. A person we once knew is now gone. There's no other way to put it. What we know about him was what he once was. It's neither present nor future. Any notion of him would be of the impression we have of him in our minds, what we think he would say and what we think he would do. There no longer exists such a person in this world. A whole individual is gone.

A person's untimely death puts everything into perspective. Empathy, I would say, is the predominant theme amidst the tragedy. Empathy for the family, empathy for the best friends, empathy for the one who's gone. Isn't it so unfortunate that it takes a certain death to amass this overflowing unity in compassion amongst the living? Honestly no one cares if something good came out of a death. We just want the dead to come back. Screw this empathy - it does no good anyway.

The living have learnt to accept. To move on would be another thing. I think this particular death would be on our lips for the next few years. At least then we know he'd never be forgotten -- not so soon, at least. Life is fleeting. It really, really is.

Hurricane of Cleanliness

My newly clean/tidied room = product of procrastination.

Evidently, anything trumps studying these days.

Chew On This

Well if you knew me at all,

you'd know for sure...

I'm not the quiet one.

If You Want Change,

You should do it for the right reasons.

It is time.

In the most dramatic way imaginable...

SIGHHHHHHHHHH.

Something You've Known All Along

It's just further proof of its dysfunctional state;

Of how it teeters on the brink of all things tainted and unwholesome.

The façades are well-polished,

The transformation quite spectacular,

as one face shifts to another in a split second.

What's the point, then?

It's just so shallow.

And it's definitely, definitely not worth it.

To Be Frank

I've always been summarizing, in a way, my feelings and my thought processes in this space. It's sort of become just a place to document the sediment of a day/week/month/event filtered down to its last drop; of the crux of all things emotional.

Well to be frank it's not like I have plenty to say anyways. But sometimes I get days (or nights) like these where I just want to unleash in the form of words, spew out every little secret, psychoanalyse my shit all the while acting as though I am the most put together person found on planet earth. Don't worry...I'm not losing it. It's just sometimes I feel as though I dare not be open, to let people in on what I truly feel. Even the people I hold close - they are allowed only to scrape the surface of my thoughts, my anger, my issues, my crush, my disappointments. And I wonder, truly wonder, how people can let themselves be that vulnerable, even if it's with just the one person they call confidante. Most of the time I'm envious of that, of being able to be in such a place of vulnerability. 

I'm sure even my best friend in the whole wide world would know how little I tell her, and how buried deep the true extent of the things I share with her are. Ooh, sounds like some serious and massive issues in the pipelines but, nah, it's just some things I wish I could be frank and honest about, that's all. She is, to date, still the one I tell the most to though.

So, I just have days where I don't want to hide, where I don't feel like masking things. One day I would love to share bits and pieces of myself without overthinking the consequences, without assumptions and without speculation of its outcome. Some day it will be with that one person I trust beyond everything in the world.

Hopefully, then, I wouldn't be too scared to let it go.

Dear Blog

I've really been neglecting this space, haven't I?

Well that's all I have to say :)

I prefer putting pen to paper much much more right now. I guess...you're gonna have to steal my "diary" to know what's going on in my pea brain these days. 

I realize I write with as much censorship in my book as I do here. Maybe I do delve into a little bit of detail here and there. Perhaps I like to keep things light and aloof...at least then it wouldn't evoke too much emotion/ trigger too many memories of things I feel I don't have to waste my brain space remembering. Well, clearly, happy thoughts deserve a lot more pages, and that really has been the case. God, I'm so gay. Maybe there's absolutely nothing wrong with that :)

From the sound of things, it's obvious I've had a good Friday. Somehow. 

WoW

The time is now.

Foresight

Apprehension, Contradiction and Dread.

I Miss You

Like I miss him.

Snowball

Stuck in my expectations;

nonsensical;

a result of consequence.

My mind is at a standstill.

I am bereft of all remaining rationality.

I can't say what I want.

I can't do what I want.

I can't think how I want.

I am bound.

I am found wanting.

I am wishing for day and night to alternate at double speed

to fast forward to a better time

To a time where I have it all figured out.

I'm not Angry at you and I Don't hate you

I'm just exhausted.
I'm tired from trying so hard.
I'm sick of the stress.
I'm sick from the stress.

Whatever happened to "come what may"?

...It always used to be me

Can't wait for next week to be over.
2 week break, here I come!

Just Before I Hit the Sack

I've been experiencing word diarrhoea the past few nights - all of which are documented in my trusty little notepad resting beside me as I sleep. Mulling things over during the night and can't sleep? Switch on the torch on the phone and start scribbling away. It's quite a different experience, writing scraggly on the paper, compared to the sophisticated click clack of the keyboard. I'm loving it.

Anyways, something I'd written without thinking...

"Sometimes, giving up is freedom".

Now...think about this.

If giving up = freedom,
is freedom = giving up?

...Food for thought.

Post of Many Words

I realize I can be the most sociable person of the night or the most socially awkward. I can be the liveliest in the day or the deadest of zombies. I can be projecting my voice over all corners of a room or I can be mumbling to supersonic ears. I can be the most confident or the most self-conscious. How one goes about merging two completely inconsistent personalities is beyond me. I fear there really might be some psychological waywardness going on somewhere in the deep crevasse of my soul. Or  mind, I should say.

I see I am in one of those phases again, where I retain the images, the emotions, the thoughts of all things gone wrong, and all of the things that highlight my fears and imperfections - blemishes that I myself put under scrutiny.
I am in one of these phases where I feel endlessly lousy, incompetent at the most trivial of things, unconfident in my speech and outward appearance. It's one of those phases that come accompanied by the surge of hormones us females come to know too well, and them boys learn to anticipate and dread. Maybe it comes as a result of it instead. Either way I am not a fan of going through it. I feel I am just shy of being low, and always, always pensive. I'm too young to feel pensive, thank you very much. I think I lack the life experience (and age) to be pensive, anyway -__- Cue Dumbledore gazing into his thought-retaining thingo. Oh, how apt. It's called a Pensieve...

I guess I feel less chippy than usual because during this time my mind is a war zone. Gone are my blind optimism and boundless positivity. Gone is the simplicity I live by. I become too complicated a person to comprehend. I become a complicated person who hates complications, who has the simplest of thought processes, who ponders upon complicated things. But at least one thing is constant...regardless when or where or what phase of life I'm in, I always and never fail to complicate every seemingly simple thing. Which kinda sucks, come to think of it.

I hope from this I gain some peace.

Dear Mister,

God knows we need more people like you in the world.

Congregation: Amen.

Why?

why is it still this way?

And I look to you
And I wait on you...

Gratitude

Because I'm glad that you are helping me get on my way.

And it's true.

You never know a good thing till it's gone.

For Far Too Long

It seems there is a large discrepancy between this year and the last.
And it seems the root of it is my apparent godlessness.

Godlessness.

What does that even mean?

Apart from the fact that I'd stopped interacting with people from community altogether, and the fact that I'd unintentionally (or perhaps intentionally albeit subconsciously) avoiding the venue like the plague, I'd spent the last few months not even reflecting and contemplating like I used to.

So what is that, then?

Is God just a term to define personal space?
Just a personification of our internal reflections?
A marker for how our being screams out for perfection?

How could "he" create such a difference in my well-being?

I honestly think it's just because we humans are weak.
So weak to the point where we so long to depend on trust; on a trust we can't ever find between ourselves.

Yet therein lies its beauty.

That all these thoughts and reasons point us to stand up against our creator, yet we choose to depend on him and choose to trust
That god is not just a definition or a term or a standard.

I know that I still do believe in his realness; that he is living.
Despite the niggling bits of rationality in my humanness trying to make sense of it all.

So, yes, there really has been a difference.
I feel a gap.
I feel a sense of loss.
A shift.
A burden.
I lack peace of mind.
I miss the ache.

I miss you.
And you are as real to me as the next person.

It's time to get back on the bandwagon, peeps.
I've been straying for far too long.

Embodiment

You are a ball of confusion;
You're confused, you confuse.

....and it seems I've followed suit.

Absolutely Determined

to grow some balls.

There Comes a Point...

You should be able to use the retrospect to your advantage.
Look back and see what's not working.
There comes a point where you just have to say...
Enough is enough.
Why push on when all you're doing is expending useless labour on the behind of a stubborn mule?
Why persevere when there's nothing worthwhile?
There's no use faking it, forcing it, complicating things.


There comes a point where your needs, insecurities and fears do not rise above everything else.

I don't want to see you wasting any more of your precious time.

Degradation

You're toxic.

All the fucking time

Destroyed my mood first thing in the morning.

You've really acquired a skill.

Good on you.

Swamped

I have no time to even think.

Bed of Roses

Sometimes, just sometimes, you wonder why you try.

I'm tired.

I can't be bothered.

I can't keep up.

So what is it about you?

I can't figure out for the life of me.

And it's absolutely pissing me off.

Rewind, Playback.

You

have got to stop torturing yourself.

Mental Overdrive

There are things in life that I'm not proud of.

This is one of them.

How could I have so carelessly discarded my pride?


I may be making something out of nothing.

But I'm sorry.

Pride is something I hold on to with clenched fists.

Perhaps a little too dearly.

So much so that it has become a torment.

The source of my inner conflicts.

Which seem to become more apparent, more frequent these days.



Without fail.


You seem to bring out the worst in me.

Invisible

You don't see

me gnash my teeth while i'm smiling

You don't hear

the malice behind my laughter

You do not get the privilege of treating me as you please
according to your mood.

So, please, save me all this shit

by keeping this in mind.

The Big 2-1

This picture very precisely portrays my shock on Friday night.

What a ruse! 

...Twice in a matter of 5 days, I shamefacedly say :(

Why am i so gullible??

But hey, innocence is hard to come by. Better appreciate it before it's gone!

So.

21. 

Says everyone, marks the beginning of my adult life.

Says everyone, I'm "all grown up" now. Speaking of which, never have I seen so many messages with the words "big girl" in them with absolutely no intention of taking jabs at my physique (although I'm sure Mr. William Wong and Mr. Ho Han Khee would beg to differ -__-)

It's scary to think that, yep, the time has come. I'm officially a twenty-something. Not twenty...twenty-something...

And at twenty-one, I'm glad to say that there are actually a lot of individuals here with me that I actually really give a damn about. And they, me (at least, that's what I think. Don't let me down!).

Really cool to see everyone from different parts of my life collide on one special night :) 

And for that, I am beyond grateful for you people who put it all together and pulled it off flawlessly!

Thanks for the Friday night, the Saturday night, the Tuesday night, the Wednesday night.

The wishes,

the gifts,

the meaningful conversations.

Definitely one of my more tiring weeks, but it sure was worth it!

That's That

It's time to pull it together.

Sail Away

Insecure,

unsure,

unbalanced,

unstable.

There's no way I can ever deal with the unknown.

The uncertainty.

The unpredictability.

I would want to...

someday.

Just not right now.

That's my justification.

That's more like an excuse.

I'll be waiting for you

to just

take me away.

What a Show

I feel drained.

Just.

Trying.

Not.

To.

Out with the Old, In with the New

It's no wonder you're stuck in the middle.

You choose to revert to/stick by/immerse yourself in what is familiar.

And what should be over.

Yet you wonder why everything is so stagnant?

You're just a walking contradiction.

Kill You

for your petty crime

Can't Help It

Can't help it that there are monsters lurking behind every scene...

waiting....

patiently waiting....

for that one chance to pull forth a chain of still frames in one fluid motion.

I can't help it, and it can't be helped.

I know I've tried my best.

Beauty in Inconsistency

It's quite interesting how music can never be recreated.
No matter how skilled the musician, or how many times that same old score's been practiced,
What comes spewing out of the instruments will always be different.

Because music is so subjective, it's so...subject to the mood of the instrumentalist.
No one person can imitate another's handiwork.
No one person can recreate another's feelings.
No one person can be in that precise moment, as the musician over his instrument.

And, just like this, every time I am "in the moment",
so ever presently listening to the notes on the piano,
I will play exactly what I feel.

Then, 2 minutes later, right after the sound of the last note wears off,
I forget every single thing I'd played...

Unable to capture the beauty of the moment; left forever unrepeated.

And that...is the most frustrating thing sometimes!

 :(

The Cause of My Upside Down Smile

I am uninspired.

I read your words and I gather nothing;

I play your music and I hear nothing;

I move my lips but say nothing.

I feel unexcited,

uncreative,

underwhelmed.

But I take a deep breath.

I tell myself...tomorrow is a new day.

Tell myself...

it's something to look forward to at least :)

It's time to turn this frown, upside down!

March

All of the things you should forget should really be forgotten.

Rut

It's a tennis match; an endless volley.

It's a pirate ship ride; rocking back and forth.

It's a broken player; stuck at 1:03.

You get the idea.

I need progress.

It's Fading

Thank God.

Headstrong

it's deja vu;

at least now...

i know exactly what needs to be done.

my atrial-ventricular-spaced, life-giving organ is picket-fenced.

so beware, thieves,

lest you impale yourselves on my iron wrought spears.

PLEASE

will. you. just. save. me. all. this. trouble?!

Censorship

An intense 3 hours at the piano serves to be the best form of distraction I'd found.

There's nothing like obsessively playing the same 4 pages until your fingers ache so much from those chordal stretches courtesy of Brahms.

There's nothing like the way music seems to just...click when individual scores are put together.

There's nothing like knowing you bring colour to a sheet of black and white.

There's nothing like the genius of a composer to bring forth so much emotion.

An intense 3 hours at the piano can push any thought, any doubt, any confusion into little pockets in the corners of your mind; safely guarded, safely barricaded from the ring and ding of what you're playing with your eyes and your mind and your hands.

It's the best form of distraction...

And I'm glad I have it.

The one thing that is really, truly, only, mine.

So mark my words.
You don't stand a chance. 

Retribution

It is of my utmost desire

to give you a taste of your own medicine.

Distance

You're so obtuse I hope you know it.

You're an ass and I hope you know it too.

Well if you didn't know...

now you know.

30%

Yup, that's what I got for diploma. 

30%

Which, thankfully, doesn't reflect the amount of effort I'd put in.

So. Now I really do believe in the principle of "giving it your best shot".

I'm not exactly disappointed...I'd seen it coming.

Not exactly unhappy...I actually agree with the examiners' comments. 

Not exactly regretful...I'm glad I even bothered trying.

But I definitely, definitely feel like I'd let my parents down.

My first (kind of) major fail in my life and, well, I'm quite surprised at my nonchalance. 

Given the circumstances during the taking of the exam, I'd say I did pretty okay. It was either fail in that or physio anyways. Something had to give.

I'm glad it was this...

because, well, let's face it.

I'm no superwoman.

The Female Complex

It's insane that every time any female goes crazy bezerk over the mildest of issues, the most innocuous of confrontations, it's almost always due to a well-hidden, secondary cause that's been harbouring masses of anger/guilt/sadness over a period of time.

And the key word here is well-hidden.

How in the world do we females expect guys to be so perceptive?

(I say "we" because, as much as i hate to admit, i do fall prey to this stereotype)

Then we explode over an issue as stupid as choice in plates and expect the source of the problem to magically come to the realization that it really is his...i don't know, lack of appreciation for her (what the freak?) that's causing all this fuss about plates. And when he doesn't, a number of things ensue:

1. the silent treatment (and the poor guy has no clue what is going on)
2. endless bitching
3. making korean dramas in her head, WHICH, due to dramatization, further blows the issue out of proportion.

Men may be thick, but this probably ranks as the stupidest expectation of them i have ever seen.

GAH!

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

That's all it takes.

I'm not here to do your bidding.