Day 6

The fast is going surprisingly well.
meat? smells good, but it's okay. i'm fine thank you.
snacks? takes all the willpower in the world especially when i get the munchies after meals. terrible, terrible cases of the munchies.
but somehow even the snacks sitting there, waiting to tempt me, aren't that appealing.
except for those days.
where all i want to do is have a massive cone of ice-cream or an iced chocolate.
let me not be reminded that this is merely the 6th day -_-"

and speaking of which,
it's still really early on, but i'd made a few interesting discoveries along the way.

honestly, going into it, i never really knew the real reason for fasting.
i just knew i felt compelled to do it.
like there was something in me urging me to go through it; experience it.
but now, i do know why i'm doing it; what for and how much breaking it with the smallest sliver of almond, the tiniest piece of cake in the world is actually saying about myself.
the little things that speak volumes; they are absolutely significant.
never really had any expectations coming into the fast, so i guess in that way i am an empty canvas getting excited over every little splatter of paint. which is pretty cool.
so, yes, i'm looking forward to see what gems i'd collect over the next 34 days and counting.
optimism.
i hope it lasts.

No Big Surprise

that i actually feel really, really, really bad.

Sometimes

Sometimes it takes all the self-restraint in the world

to not tell u all the things i'm dying to say.

how much of a hypocrite u can be.

how much u are quick to anger.

how little tolerance u have when the things u say/do are said/done back to u.

But at the same time i feel silly.

no matter how undeserving it was,

no matter how upsetting it was,

for not wanting to speak to u.

and to try to show u i am upset.

And so i apologize.

Which is, once again, something i'd never say.

It's times like these i don't know whether i feel more stupid, angry, or guilty.

it seems the latter is my dominant trait.

and it sucks.

that no matter how angry i am,

i end up feeling responsible for it anyways.

Don't Look Down On Me

Some days, you've just got to trust me.

I will go above and beyond to do what needs to be done.

Daily dose of cliche: Don't judge a book by its cover.

Good call on my part.

In more ways than one.

Rude Awakenings

...At least, one of the many of them.

And the question I ask myself is since when and how I had begun to become so careless with the things people tell me.
It's always been a value I had always held dear -  that what people choose to confide in and to keep confidential is a privilege, and a right that I should respect.
When had they become careless words I tossed around without sensitivity towards that person?
When had they become such a breach of privacy?
When had they become my secrets to tell, to elicit, to bring up?

It seems to me that the older I get the more I'm supposed to value these little treasures; to value the intimacy of a relationship with a person in need of a confidant; to value the fact that this person holds you in the highest of regard to be able to entrust you with the things they hold close to their hearts.
These secrets should not be a "burden" I am to carry.
I am merely an ear; a mouth.
I am merely an empathy; a sympathy.

It is truly disappointing, really, that I had spun little webs of deceit.

It's time to revert to the way I have been; the way I should be.




Daily dose of cliche: Strike these feet of clay.

What's Up

You know something's up when....

You write every chance you get.

So.

What's up.

Is what I'd never say.

Daily dose of cliche: My lips are sealed.

O Tortured Soul

you have. no. chance. it's already begun.

Stress

Yup, it's that time of the year...only that it's a whole month earlier than usual (ref to prev post)

and now i'm full on freaking out.

That's what you get when you leave things to the last minute -_-"
...when you have a test tomorrow and you choose to fill your tummy and play with lanterns instead of study.
...when you choose to go on facebook and write to your friend after all that instead of study.
...and now you're forced to deal with the fact that "unprepared" is an utter and complete understatement to the way you feel about the test tomorrow.
That's what you get.

Add on the fact that you're in emotional turmoil from the insane piano hours, stress etc.,

you're pretty much screwed.

I feel drained and I'm not even a quarter of the way there yet.

Let's hope there's enough to keep me driven till then.

For now, I will take a deeeeeeeeep breath, switch off the lights, and sleep my worries away.



Daily dose of cliche: You see right through me.

Inadequacies

Knowing my inadequacies,

inadequate being a total understatement....

is making me feel so sick with worry.

To deal with it I will do what I do best.

Sleep it off and never think about it again.

Until I really, REALLY have to.

Oh me oh my.

Asian Ointment

"X-oil", hong yiu, tiger balm. 

the likes.

are the asian solution to EVERY single pathology it's insane.

and the excuse to putting off seeing the doctor.

GO SEE A DOCTOR PLEASE.

why am i freaking out on your behalf -_-"

Every night she cries herself to sleep

Thinking why does this happen to me?

Why does every moment have to be so hard.

It's Gonna Be a Craaaazy Month!

Seems like there's a tons of things to do in preparation for the month of October.

Gotta...
Start printing those lecture notes I was just too lazy to print throughout the semester,
Start listening to all of the lectures I'd missed out on,
Re-listen to the ones I found myself dozing off/actually slack-mouthed-semi-drooling in, which is basically everything,
Properly researching for diploma program notes,
Actually writing the damned thing,
Find the discipline to play all of my pieces in one sitting,
Progressively learn to squeeze it all into 30 minutes,
But before that actually knowing how to play them perfectly,
Study for piano,
Wonder why I was ever so ambitious with the piano,
And accepting the fact that there IS NO TURNING BACK :O,
Start on physio assignment which is due in October but sadly I'd be so swamped it's better to start now,
Actually pondering/praying over the 40-day fast commencing 24th September, learning its purpose, what I'd do etc.,
GET EXCITED
because mother's coming October as well!!

Let's see how much of it I really do in Sept,
fully aware of what needs to be done.

But, looking at it, thinking about it,
just makes me want to escape by drowning myself in tv shows.

Now THAT'S what I need to fast on.
Escapism.
Sigh.