Pillar of Salt

It's funny how the months have progressively gone by and not once have I looked back in regret. Reminds me of the story of Lot's wife turning into a pillar of salt as the family were escaping their forsaken city. I guess I'm not one to plague my mind with what if's or could have been's or would have been if's. Perhaps it's just easy for me to think this now when I've been through the worst; now that I'm walking on dry land instead of wading waist deep in mud. Maybe it's a coping mechanism where, in my mind I capture the positives out of a whole difficult situation, of how I'd managed through it and how I'd ultimately overcome something. Selective retrospect, it would seem. Guess that kinda helps, though...lets me know that I can get through most things, at least. And of course not without some mega external force who's been guiding me through every situation these months.

Aaaanyways, I had a little look through my previous posts throughout the year and some beyond, and it occurred to me just how many warning signs were flashing in my head; warning signs of how a certain something would be the most terrible idea in the world, and how it could have been avoided altogether. These warning signs might as well have been cow bells (for lack of a better analogy), cause you know what? In my oestrogen-filled being I just enjoyed the romantic notion of having someone flip 180 degrees just.for.you. I enjoyed the terrible plot of having someone discover something they'd been missing all along. Well, if you do too, you're bound head first in your crash to reality. Truth is, things just don't work out that way, because by the time someone's discovered what it is they're missing, they've completely blinded the other person with their selfish barbs and it's just too late to get what they now realize they want. And as far as I know, people don't change. Not completely, at least. And it takes a certain narcissist to want someone else to change for your sake; they might as well be circus animals performing tricks to suit your own ideals. I know I've done it before, changing myself for someone else. All I can say is, it's so much more fun when I am me.

But, well, at the end of it all I honestly feel I'd dodged a bullet, harsh as it may sound. I am in no way pointing the finger or expressing bitterness; it is just what it is. I had misled myself despite all those warning signs, and despite how things had snowballed, and nothing turned out to be the ending I'd wanted aaaall those months ago, I'm really glad I am where I am right now. It really is a good place to be in. I know the big guy upstairs has my best interest in mind, and perhaps that's what gets me through stuff.

Everything's fine and dandy, by the way. The tone of this post probably resulted from boredom and having too much time on my hands which needed some thinking to fill in!

Status: Deeply relaxed and utterly content :)