Here And There...and Back Again

Sometimes it's difficult to be where you want to be, or be who you want to be.
It's difficult to leave it up to someone bigger than you.
As much as I say I do, there's always a tiny reserved portion deep down inside that can't help obsessing
about what may or may not come out of it.

I know, being the person that I am or always have been,
I will end up alright if things just don't work out the way I want it to.
But I guess I'm saying it'd be hard not to feel disappointed if that was the case.

I know in some way or another I could attribute the good things or bad stuff to the big man upstairs.
Is that really me putting trust in Him?
Or is it just a cop out?
Am I merely shirking responsibility and evading harsh realities?
Or do I truly, truly, in all certainty, believe that my fate has been ordained by Him, that I have been born with such a purpose that He will help me get on whatever path takes me there?

I honestly don't know.

What I do know, though, is that I have been feeling very...compelled...towards doing certain things these past few days/weeks/months.
It's completely irrational and incomprehensible, the way I feel and have felt.
There's an urge to do things that are way beyond my comfort zone.
Taking up roles that I otherwise would not have.
Tithing x amount of money that I otherwise would not have given.
Getting jobs that I would not even have considered in the first place.
Applying for jobs that would have meant less income and more work.
Spending time with people I otherwise would not have given a second glance.

Lots of things happening around me.
In me.

And I pray to God that it doesn't become all about....stuff.
That as much as I'm doing what I'm doing and doing more than what I've been doing,
It never just amounts to just...doing stuff.

I need to remember
That it's all about you.

Gotta Remind Yourself

To live in the present.

There's no need to go away to the future, to dream of its possibilities... and its potential for failure.

Airy fairy head, please come back down to Kuching earth. Thank you.

Outlet

I know that's what you need. I know you just want people to listen. But, GOD, you are so full of anger and hatred sometimes it makes it so hard to even listen to you. What makes it worse is you even mock me when I do.

All I want from you and for you is patience and grace.

Hopeful optimist that I am

Just didn't get that hopeful, optimistic end to a perfectly shitty morning.

Brave Young Soul

I remember when I was 8 I was in one of my tuition classes (yup, good old days when tuition classes after school were the bane of my little life's existence) there was a girl sitting in the row in front of me. She had this super damn awesome looking ribbon in her hair and my friend and I were transfixed. We couldn't resist - we had to touch it.

So, there we were, sneakily reaching out to touch the unsuspecting girl's hair/ribbon, totally unbeknownst to the teacher...or so we thought. Needless to say the teacher caught on to our antics thanks to our little whispers and giggles. She whipped around all of a sudden and caught my friend in the act of extending her forearm to tickle the ribbon behind the other girl's head. My poor friend was promptly given the punishment of standing on her chair for the remainder of the class.

I was in a pickle.

I debated with myself whether or not to own up to my contribution and join my friend in her unfortunate demise or to stay silent since there was only half an hour left to the class, anyway.

Now this I remember very clearly. Somehow I plucked the courage to raise my hand and say...'teacher, I did it too' or maybe something along those lines in true broken Malaysian English. If I told you the teacher applauded me for my bravery and let us both off the hook I would be the greatest romantic in the world. The teacher gave no thought at all to the amount of internal conflict I'd faced in those 2 agonizing minutes but merely told me..'okay, you can stand too' haha. But let me tell you something, the look on my friend's face was priceless. Punishment is nothing if you have a friend to face it with you. Okay I wish this was the part where I say we became best friends forever and we always look back to this start of our fast friendship, but no. We enrolled in different classes the next year and lost touch ever since.

I'm getting a little lazy here so let me just wrap it up. Well, can't be bothered reading the above? I used to be a little brave soul who would face her fears and own up to something I'd done for the sake of a friend. I hope I still have at least a morsel of that person left, but I doubt it. O how age has made me nothing but a clucking chicken. End of story.