Depleted Tears

Sometimes it really seems like I don't realize how precious someone is to me until I start bawling my eyes out for him or her.

Well, it's hard not to when you are given report after report, all pointing to the fact that this person is facing imminent death. There's been some good news today. Let's hope it stays that way.

I've never really thought about how I have grown to love this amazing woman so, so, so much. I have all the respect in the world for her, she who's lived through everything unimaginable at this day and age.

So...pull through, my favouritest old lady in the world! The whole Law-Che brood will be there with you shortly :).

Roller coaster

Right now the feeling is as if you've chosen to get on the scariest ride - you're in one of those hard, plastic seats, you're securely (or not quite; that's how you feel) locked in, the staff are checking the seats of all the other thrill-seekers ahead of you.

It's that awareness that there is absolutely no turning back. You're left with this heavy bolus in the pit of your stomach made up of fear, apprehension, anticipation and dread. Yet somewhere at the back of your mind you know it's not the end of the world. You're not gonna die (hopefully) and the ride is gonna last 60 seconds, after which you would be overtaken by a bout of wild laughter at the sheer exhilaration of it and impressed that you'd worked up the courage to take up on your personal dare.

The battle is now between what you feel at that present moment and what you know you would feel at the end of it all.

But on a (more) personal note, this morning, on top of all that I'm feeling tired. I'm tired of being pegged 'the strong one'. It's not a matter of keeping up appearances; more the fact that sometimes I wish I could crumble in the folds of someone's arms and weep. But I do know for a fact that at the end of it I would not have liked it one bit. So for now it's preferable to brave it through like never before. Never quite expected this to bring on such a massive impact. But it has. Huh. Surprise, surprise.

For now I shall be awaiting what I know is ahead. I know my strength is not my own, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Post-apocalyptic revelation

And so, the question remains...

Was it bravery or stupidity?

It really is too close to call

A Little Birdie Told Me..

And I couldn't have anticipated how disappointed I feel.

So. Amazed.

Silence

You're likened to a thoughtless mule

A field of wheat 

A speck of dust

So indignant

So insignificant

No convictions

You follow the wind of the unknown

You go nowhere

Nothing's changed

despite the change:

The silence is deafening;

It is now broken.

You think that would be a milestone

It isn't, really.

You still exist in a pool of stagnancy.

You go nowhere

As you did before

So plant your feet in the ground

Stand firm

Make a decision

Stick with it

Repeat.

Life, Personified.

Sometimes, this shadowy figure: dark, mysterious, a little ominous,

hands you a box wrapped up so tight you could never quite figure out how to tackle its bindings.

That is, up until the moment someone somewhere says the right words, at the right moment, asking the right question, provoking the right answer.

A little something is revealed at that exact moment.

You shoot sky-high, to the zenith of your awareness in one crashing second.

You no longer have to try breaking that stupid box!

But, as with any other form of euphoria,

what goes up must come down.

After some time your revelation is meaningless -

It can no longer apply to the changes happening all around you.

This shadowy figure is relentless.

Another box is handed to you.

For now, it's frustration, puzzlement, effortful attempts

all. over. again.

Sigh, you can never have your fun.

Oh my god, this brain needs to shut down. I am in dire need of some shut eye but nope!...forcing myself awake those last few minutes to finish watching the Running Men do their funny running things really did it for me! Now it's one sleepless night in Melbourne and unfortunately there isn't anything remotely romantic to at least make it worthwhile (har, har).

So..now, a story.

(Based on a true story)

Something happened to a particular window. This window...it's been so abused by blistering winds, hurt by harsh sunlight, worn down by vicious winter snow...yet it's always kept itself slammed bravely open amidst and against the cruel, cruel elements. However, slowly and surely, as would any other window, this particular window started losing its shape; its colour started waning. It's lost its vigour -- it's lost the fight. It started closing in...closing in...closing in...until one day it vowed never to open again. 

Now! After months of solitude, closed off from the world, lo and behold, a warm and fuzzy feeling returns to this particular window! O, the man of the house has returned! His giant chopsticks for fingers press its wooden panes open, once again uniting it with the cruel, cruel elements that have treated it so harshly. The warm and fuzzy feeling does not go away. The man's hands bring forth such nostalgia, such love that the window feels it can conquer anything and everything thrown at it. Bring it on, wind, sun, and snow! Nothing can stop it now! 

Alas, the brevity of it all is heartbreaking. The tender loving care from those giant chopsticks for fingers never lasted. The man of the house has returned and has left, once again. What was this poor window to do? Time and time again, it's left to brave the harshness of reality all on its own. "ALL BY MYSELFFFFF, DON'T WANNA BEEEE", it sings in mute. No vocal cords to voice its discontent. No eyes, no tear glands to shed pearls of sadness. This window started closing in...closing in...closing in...until one day it vowed never to open. Ever again.

The Narrative & the Narrator

Things have pretty much settled into a routine -- a very terrible routine of skipping lectures, getting to prac an hour late, getting to everything in general at least 5 minutes behind the appointed time. But I must say I'm loving every second of it! It's as if, after the whole clinical debacle (okay, maybe not so much a debacle) last Semester, I've regained my autonomy in all things academic! Nothing's forcing me out of bed at 6 am just cause I have to make it to the hospital on time, nothing's stopping me from just packing up to LEAAVE when I'm dead bored and feeling intellectually unstimulated (hah, hah). And nothing's forcing me not to just skip this 3 hour lecture I'm supposed to be attending. Right now. At this exact moment. Smiley face.

In the house of Kew it's not as drastic a change as I'd anticipated over the weeks. I think that's the best way to sum it up. Well, of course apart from the fact that the sister and the cousin aren't here at all, I guess the place isn't as eerily quiet and as cold as I thought it'd be. Really. That's what I was expecting. But perhaps the cousin's presence does make a huge difference -- she's always the one in the living room, she's always the one in the kitchen...noises from the TV, the pots and pans fill the void, in a way. Perhaps when she leaves, everything will change. Again.

I think it's sort of a nice turnover, if you will. Let me explain. I have always, and I mean always, been the baby of the family. I'm the youngest of our cosy family of 6, and, for crying out loud, the youngest in the whole friggin generation. I guess it's when you've always been taken care of and babied, in a way, you tend to settle into that role without even realizing it. It's like sinking into a comfortable dependency like the crater your butt makes on the couch. It leaves an imprint, doesn't it? It becomes your favourite spot. You don't wanna leave it. But, alas, one day you get too bloody fat you can't help yourself, you have to get up. It's quite refreshing, I must say...being the elder one. The responsible one -- though that's really still to come. In time, people. In time. I'm taking baby steps here (not a pun!).

Alright, on to other things. Like..Japan! Okay, to be honest sometimes I wish people would stop asking me how I found Japan. I end up repeating the same reply over and over again as if rehearsed. It was amazing - the food's great, the people's great, the place is great. Short and sweet. Although, it takes a certain amount of self-control to not elaborate further -- e.g. the food's so great that whatever Italian, Korean, Angmoh, Japanese food you can ever find anywhere else in the world (okay, maybe I really just mean Melbourne) can never be on par with what the Japanese can come up with. NEVER. My goodness do I sound annoying or what. It's hard! It takes some restraint not to let the account of my experience in Japan become a certified brag! Eh hem...maybe I should let the pictures do the talking. Self-explanatory awesomeness.

OSAKA

Osaka Castle

Noodles for 3,500 Yen! No chairs.

Takoyaki @ Dotonbori, Osaka

Dotonbori

Rikuro Ojisan! Fluffiest, lightest cheesecake ever

Best train snack! On the way to Mount Koya

KOYASAN

Koyasan Monk Food. FEAST.
Everything's vegetarian. Amazingly awesome.

Unadon
So good, of course.

 KYOTO

Bamboo Forest @ Arashimaya, Kyoto

Cycled 1 hour to bamboo forest

Fushimi Inari

TOKYO

ICHIRAN RAMEN @ Shibuya. Best ramen I've ever had in my life. 

Ichiran - eating in booths

sneaky pic -- 20 year olds dress up in traditional garments and go to the city hall. Officially adults!

Shinjuku at night

Yakitori @ Omoide Yakocho (Yakitori Alley) in Shinjuku

Tsukiji Market 

Asakusa - Chaep Shoes!

Okonomiyaki @ Sometaro, Asakusa

Tempura soba in Ginza

Cold soba. BEST.

Apparently the "best ramen in Tokyo" -- courtesy of St. Luke's hospital.
...not the best ramen in Tokyo.

Friggin ginormous electronics store in Akihabara.
We died.

Sushi at Ueno.
Sushi master is pinching some raw tuna to be rolled  into the freshest, crispiest seaweed I have ever had.

In Chinatown (Yokohama). Panda rice.

panda

Double panda

Panda EVERYTHING.

Need I say more.

Ramen in Yoyogi

Snow in Tokyo!

Karaoke with strawberry smoothie and butterscotch ice-cream milk smoothie

Lunch at Takashimaya

Part of lunch too.

Lunch set.

Bye bye Japan :(
On the Narita Express

Peace

I feel so close to you right now

Hands Up If This Is You Too

I get so focused on your vices,

I tend to forget you are one of the good ones.

Slant

Some days, you just can't help but look on with envious eyes.

 Even if it makes no sense,

Serves no purpose,

Solves no problem.

 不知不觉让了自己感染到
谁知连距离都取不掉你那么污染的感觉

The Thing About Death

I'd have to say that this little piece of news rocked everyone's safe world with its ginormous impact. It's the abruptness of it all; the fact that a life was extinguished just like that - with no tell-tale sign, no time for preparation.

In the most selfish way imaginable I'm glad I never really knew him. Like I said, it's selfish. God knows how I would've reacted if it were someone I've been so attached to for a decade. I think I would've burst out laughing for a full hour to be honest. That's how warped my reactions to all things emotional can be I kid you not. It's only started to sink in -- everyone's starting to accept the fact that we'd never see this person in the flesh, ever again. It's the finality of it all that really scares me. A person we once knew is now gone. There's no other way to put it. What we know about him was what he once was. It's neither present nor future. Any notion of him would be of the impression we have of him in our minds, what we think he would say and what we think he would do. There no longer exists such a person in this world. A whole individual is gone.

A person's untimely death puts everything into perspective. Empathy, I would say, is the predominant theme amidst the tragedy. Empathy for the family, empathy for the best friends, empathy for the one who's gone. Isn't it so unfortunate that it takes a certain death to amass this overflowing unity in compassion amongst the living? Honestly no one cares if something good came out of a death. We just want the dead to come back. Screw this empathy - it does no good anyway.

The living have learnt to accept. To move on would be another thing. I think this particular death would be on our lips for the next few years. At least then we know he'd never be forgotten -- not so soon, at least. Life is fleeting. It really, really is.

Hurricane of Cleanliness

My newly clean/tidied room = product of procrastination.

Evidently, anything trumps studying these days.