Roller coaster

Right now the feeling is as if you've chosen to get on the scariest ride - you're in one of those hard, plastic seats, you're securely (or not quite; that's how you feel) locked in, the staff are checking the seats of all the other thrill-seekers ahead of you.

It's that awareness that there is absolutely no turning back. You're left with this heavy bolus in the pit of your stomach made up of fear, apprehension, anticipation and dread. Yet somewhere at the back of your mind you know it's not the end of the world. You're not gonna die (hopefully) and the ride is gonna last 60 seconds, after which you would be overtaken by a bout of wild laughter at the sheer exhilaration of it and impressed that you'd worked up the courage to take up on your personal dare.

The battle is now between what you feel at that present moment and what you know you would feel at the end of it all.

But on a (more) personal note, this morning, on top of all that I'm feeling tired. I'm tired of being pegged 'the strong one'. It's not a matter of keeping up appearances; more the fact that sometimes I wish I could crumble in the folds of someone's arms and weep. But I do know for a fact that at the end of it I would not have liked it one bit. So for now it's preferable to brave it through like never before. Never quite expected this to bring on such a massive impact. But it has. Huh. Surprise, surprise.

For now I shall be awaiting what I know is ahead. I know my strength is not my own, and for that I am eternally grateful.