The Thing About Death

I'd have to say that this little piece of news rocked everyone's safe world with its ginormous impact. It's the abruptness of it all; the fact that a life was extinguished just like that - with no tell-tale sign, no time for preparation.

In the most selfish way imaginable I'm glad I never really knew him. Like I said, it's selfish. God knows how I would've reacted if it were someone I've been so attached to for a decade. I think I would've burst out laughing for a full hour to be honest. That's how warped my reactions to all things emotional can be I kid you not. It's only started to sink in -- everyone's starting to accept the fact that we'd never see this person in the flesh, ever again. It's the finality of it all that really scares me. A person we once knew is now gone. There's no other way to put it. What we know about him was what he once was. It's neither present nor future. Any notion of him would be of the impression we have of him in our minds, what we think he would say and what we think he would do. There no longer exists such a person in this world. A whole individual is gone.

A person's untimely death puts everything into perspective. Empathy, I would say, is the predominant theme amidst the tragedy. Empathy for the family, empathy for the best friends, empathy for the one who's gone. Isn't it so unfortunate that it takes a certain death to amass this overflowing unity in compassion amongst the living? Honestly no one cares if something good came out of a death. We just want the dead to come back. Screw this empathy - it does no good anyway.

The living have learnt to accept. To move on would be another thing. I think this particular death would be on our lips for the next few years. At least then we know he'd never be forgotten -- not so soon, at least. Life is fleeting. It really, really is.

Hurricane of Cleanliness

My newly clean/tidied room = product of procrastination.

Evidently, anything trumps studying these days.

Chew On This

Well if you knew me at all,

you'd know for sure...

I'm not the quiet one.

If You Want Change,

You should do it for the right reasons.

It is time.

In the most dramatic way imaginable...

SIGHHHHHHHHHH.

Something You've Known All Along

It's just further proof of its dysfunctional state;

Of how it teeters on the brink of all things tainted and unwholesome.

The façades are well-polished,

The transformation quite spectacular,

as one face shifts to another in a split second.

What's the point, then?

It's just so shallow.

And it's definitely, definitely not worth it.

To Be Frank

I've always been summarizing, in a way, my feelings and my thought processes in this space. It's sort of become just a place to document the sediment of a day/week/month/event filtered down to its last drop; of the crux of all things emotional.

Well to be frank it's not like I have plenty to say anyways. But sometimes I get days (or nights) like these where I just want to unleash in the form of words, spew out every little secret, psychoanalyse my shit all the while acting as though I am the most put together person found on planet earth. Don't worry...I'm not losing it. It's just sometimes I feel as though I dare not be open, to let people in on what I truly feel. Even the people I hold close - they are allowed only to scrape the surface of my thoughts, my anger, my issues, my crush, my disappointments. And I wonder, truly wonder, how people can let themselves be that vulnerable, even if it's with just the one person they call confidante. Most of the time I'm envious of that, of being able to be in such a place of vulnerability. 

I'm sure even my best friend in the whole wide world would know how little I tell her, and how buried deep the true extent of the things I share with her are. Ooh, sounds like some serious and massive issues in the pipelines but, nah, it's just some things I wish I could be frank and honest about, that's all. She is, to date, still the one I tell the most to though.

So, I just have days where I don't want to hide, where I don't feel like masking things. One day I would love to share bits and pieces of myself without overthinking the consequences, without assumptions and without speculation of its outcome. Some day it will be with that one person I trust beyond everything in the world.

Hopefully, then, I wouldn't be too scared to let it go.

Dear Blog

I've really been neglecting this space, haven't I?

Well that's all I have to say :)

I prefer putting pen to paper much much more right now. I guess...you're gonna have to steal my "diary" to know what's going on in my pea brain these days. 

I realize I write with as much censorship in my book as I do here. Maybe I do delve into a little bit of detail here and there. Perhaps I like to keep things light and aloof...at least then it wouldn't evoke too much emotion/ trigger too many memories of things I feel I don't have to waste my brain space remembering. Well, clearly, happy thoughts deserve a lot more pages, and that really has been the case. God, I'm so gay. Maybe there's absolutely nothing wrong with that :)

From the sound of things, it's obvious I've had a good Friday. Somehow. 

WoW

The time is now.

Foresight

Apprehension, Contradiction and Dread.

I Miss You

Like I miss him.

Snowball

Stuck in my expectations;

nonsensical;

a result of consequence.

My mind is at a standstill.

I am bereft of all remaining rationality.

I can't say what I want.

I can't do what I want.

I can't think how I want.

I am bound.

I am found wanting.

I am wishing for day and night to alternate at double speed

to fast forward to a better time

To a time where I have it all figured out.

I'm not Angry at you and I Don't hate you

I'm just exhausted.
I'm tired from trying so hard.
I'm sick of the stress.
I'm sick from the stress.

Whatever happened to "come what may"?

...It always used to be me

Can't wait for next week to be over.
2 week break, here I come!