Be In the Flow

To see, and not believe.

To see, and to believe.

To believe, and not to see.

To believe, and to see.


Such is life, drifted away by its currents.

Passive, peaceful, no struggle in sight.

Until reality comes knocking.

You have not touched ground in days.

The panic sets in.

Curiously as a slow, insidious release of Adrenaline.

Not the gripping, cold fear you would expect.

It is a steady rise in heart rate

A cooling of your touch

A gradual shallowing of your breath.

An anxiety attack,

but not as you know it.

You maintain still posture,

lying on the surface in dread and fear.

Fear of living.

Fear of dying.





You decide to struggle.

Life, 2 Years On

It's been a really, really long time since I've recorded anything at all in the story of my life. Please excuse the poor writing; it's been a while since I've immersed myself in any reading literarily worthwhile.

Things have changed since I'd last written - well, to summarize where I'd left off, I was experiencing massive changes in my life: Completed my Physio degree, got a full time job in a public hospital, started a relationship, started serving in church and took up a leadership role there - things that really stretched and stressed me.

I can't really say that things have stagnated, even remotely. It's been huge change after huge change over the past couple of years! Basically, everything is different save for the "started a relationship" part - it's more "maintaining a relationship" now, thank goodness.

Well, what's new, you ask?

We, and I mean, the one and only, and I, have moved in together, twice! Not without repercussions, though. Surprisingly, our parents have been the emotional support through this process - amazing how their backing really made such a big difference in how this all turned out. All the bad stuff, unfortunately, came from a religious standpoint - and by religious, I mean religious. I had to make a choice back then - live with the boyfriend, or forsake leadership. Well, it's clear the choice I'd made. With no regrets. None whatsoever. However, I think the ripple effect of having to make that choice, not even the choice itself, really created this chasm within our spiritual life. Even now, after moving to another (grace-centred, loving, encouraging) church, we both still feel pieces of the guilt, the condemnation and the blame for having made that decision together. So much so, that when we have been approached by our current leaders to (I know, history does repeat itself) one day take their place, we are bogged down by the fear of all that guilt, condemnation and blame resurfacing. Perhaps it's a redemptive move God has up his sleeve - to cover the horrible past experience with one that was how it should have been.

What else is new?

Physio no longer became my passion. I know, fickle being that I am. One thing I'd realized only through working full time in public health, was that I did not remotely fit in to the culture of being a Physio. If I was being honest with myself, I'd given myself a fantasy with rehab and all these Physio-related dreams and goals only to, really, give myself dreams and goals. Physio has now simmered down to a less-than-part-time, part-time job and I have started teaching piano all the other hours instead! I will try to capture in words how liberated I'd felt since pursuing this career - it has been such a passion-driven, motivating and fulfilling journey. I cannot believe the bondage I'd put myself under, forced to fit in a spirit, an atmosphere that just did not agree with my soul.

I am now learning to learn without goals, without the pressure of exams, without an endpoint in sight. I am learning to be a better partner, a better person, a better member of the family.

It's really been such a crazy ride, but not for a minute would I trade my life for anyone else's.

How's life?

Life has been great.

xx
J

Tether

It's time to remember where you came from.
It's time to remind yourself not to stray too far.
Daddy's watching and he will protect you,
But he can't keep you on a tether.
He can't keep you from wading into the deep waters if you turn your back on him and keep on walking.
He stands still and watches at the seaside - it's really you who will move.
He is solid. He does not and will not budge.

In my new phase of life - being in a relationship, being in a demanding job,
I have strayed from my roots.
I have done things I am not proud of,
done things that I brush aside to dissipate the significance and the guilt.
I have lost a sense of me.
I have stopped protecting things that matter.

But, now, I am coming back to my father.
I am filling up, oh so slowly, with the peace and joy I have always once had.
I will get there.
We will get there.

It's time to dust off the dust,
clear your head, dry off your clothes.
It's time to tell yourself, he is bigger than you.
But that you yourself are nothing
Yet you are significant
You are nothing
Yet you are special
Because he made you
And he made us all.

Here And There...and Back Again

Sometimes it's difficult to be where you want to be, or be who you want to be.
It's difficult to leave it up to someone bigger than you.
As much as I say I do, there's always a tiny reserved portion deep down inside that can't help obsessing
about what may or may not come out of it.

I know, being the person that I am or always have been,
I will end up alright if things just don't work out the way I want it to.
But I guess I'm saying it'd be hard not to feel disappointed if that was the case.

I know in some way or another I could attribute the good things or bad stuff to the big man upstairs.
Is that really me putting trust in Him?
Or is it just a cop out?
Am I merely shirking responsibility and evading harsh realities?
Or do I truly, truly, in all certainty, believe that my fate has been ordained by Him, that I have been born with such a purpose that He will help me get on whatever path takes me there?

I honestly don't know.

What I do know, though, is that I have been feeling very...compelled...towards doing certain things these past few days/weeks/months.
It's completely irrational and incomprehensible, the way I feel and have felt.
There's an urge to do things that are way beyond my comfort zone.
Taking up roles that I otherwise would not have.
Tithing x amount of money that I otherwise would not have given.
Getting jobs that I would not even have considered in the first place.
Applying for jobs that would have meant less income and more work.
Spending time with people I otherwise would not have given a second glance.

Lots of things happening around me.
In me.

And I pray to God that it doesn't become all about....stuff.
That as much as I'm doing what I'm doing and doing more than what I've been doing,
It never just amounts to just...doing stuff.

I need to remember
That it's all about you.

Gotta Remind Yourself

To live in the present.

There's no need to go away to the future, to dream of its possibilities... and its potential for failure.

Airy fairy head, please come back down to Kuching earth. Thank you.

Outlet

I know that's what you need. I know you just want people to listen. But, GOD, you are so full of anger and hatred sometimes it makes it so hard to even listen to you. What makes it worse is you even mock me when I do.

All I want from you and for you is patience and grace.

Hopeful optimist that I am

Just didn't get that hopeful, optimistic end to a perfectly shitty morning.

Brave Young Soul

I remember when I was 8 I was in one of my tuition classes (yup, good old days when tuition classes after school were the bane of my little life's existence) there was a girl sitting in the row in front of me. She had this super damn awesome looking ribbon in her hair and my friend and I were transfixed. We couldn't resist - we had to touch it.

So, there we were, sneakily reaching out to touch the unsuspecting girl's hair/ribbon, totally unbeknownst to the teacher...or so we thought. Needless to say the teacher caught on to our antics thanks to our little whispers and giggles. She whipped around all of a sudden and caught my friend in the act of extending her forearm to tickle the ribbon behind the other girl's head. My poor friend was promptly given the punishment of standing on her chair for the remainder of the class.

I was in a pickle.

I debated with myself whether or not to own up to my contribution and join my friend in her unfortunate demise or to stay silent since there was only half an hour left to the class, anyway.

Now this I remember very clearly. Somehow I plucked the courage to raise my hand and say...'teacher, I did it too' or maybe something along those lines in true broken Malaysian English. If I told you the teacher applauded me for my bravery and let us both off the hook I would be the greatest romantic in the world. The teacher gave no thought at all to the amount of internal conflict I'd faced in those 2 agonizing minutes but merely told me..'okay, you can stand too' haha. But let me tell you something, the look on my friend's face was priceless. Punishment is nothing if you have a friend to face it with you. Okay I wish this was the part where I say we became best friends forever and we always look back to this start of our fast friendship, but no. We enrolled in different classes the next year and lost touch ever since.

I'm getting a little lazy here so let me just wrap it up. Well, can't be bothered reading the above? I used to be a little brave soul who would face her fears and own up to something I'd done for the sake of a friend. I hope I still have at least a morsel of that person left, but I doubt it. O how age has made me nothing but a clucking chicken. End of story.

Pillar of Salt

It's funny how the months have progressively gone by and not once have I looked back in regret. Reminds me of the story of Lot's wife turning into a pillar of salt as the family were escaping their forsaken city. I guess I'm not one to plague my mind with what if's or could have been's or would have been if's. Perhaps it's just easy for me to think this now when I've been through the worst; now that I'm walking on dry land instead of wading waist deep in mud. Maybe it's a coping mechanism where, in my mind I capture the positives out of a whole difficult situation, of how I'd managed through it and how I'd ultimately overcome something. Selective retrospect, it would seem. Guess that kinda helps, though...lets me know that I can get through most things, at least. And of course not without some mega external force who's been guiding me through every situation these months.

Aaaanyways, I had a little look through my previous posts throughout the year and some beyond, and it occurred to me just how many warning signs were flashing in my head; warning signs of how a certain something would be the most terrible idea in the world, and how it could have been avoided altogether. These warning signs might as well have been cow bells (for lack of a better analogy), cause you know what? In my oestrogen-filled being I just enjoyed the romantic notion of having someone flip 180 degrees just.for.you. I enjoyed the terrible plot of having someone discover something they'd been missing all along. Well, if you do too, you're bound head first in your crash to reality. Truth is, things just don't work out that way, because by the time someone's discovered what it is they're missing, they've completely blinded the other person with their selfish barbs and it's just too late to get what they now realize they want. And as far as I know, people don't change. Not completely, at least. And it takes a certain narcissist to want someone else to change for your sake; they might as well be circus animals performing tricks to suit your own ideals. I know I've done it before, changing myself for someone else. All I can say is, it's so much more fun when I am me.

But, well, at the end of it all I honestly feel I'd dodged a bullet, harsh as it may sound. I am in no way pointing the finger or expressing bitterness; it is just what it is. I had misled myself despite all those warning signs, and despite how things had snowballed, and nothing turned out to be the ending I'd wanted aaaall those months ago, I'm really glad I am where I am right now. It really is a good place to be in. I know the big guy upstairs has my best interest in mind, and perhaps that's what gets me through stuff.

Everything's fine and dandy, by the way. The tone of this post probably resulted from boredom and having too much time on my hands which needed some thinking to fill in!

Status: Deeply relaxed and utterly content :)

Collect Call

Wishing you could keep me closer

I'm a lazy dancer

When you move

I move with you.

Woe of the Asian

How can I suck SO BAD at studying?

Puts my Asian roots to shame.

Eventful Events

This year is nearing its end, and it really has been peppered with events that demand strength, patience and faith. And sacrifices.

In my bout of self-pity and of feeling sorry for the situation that is the dear mother's diagnosis, I think about how unfair it is that the sister and I have had to give up things that we care about. Sure, my "sacrifice" looks pale in comparison and most definitely the more trivial of the two, but the fact is that I had been dreaming of this day since its announcement (at which I had promptly marked it down in my calender in complete capitals and not just a few exclamation marks!) and had been fantasizing about how great a day it would be. Then I think of the sister and I feel so bad for her that her year probably did not turn out as she'd envisioned either, though she is the tougher and the braver of us two and she wouldn't spin this into a greater tragedy than it already is.

Then I carry on to think about how my transition years have been marked with things both unexpected and disappointing. The mother's great loss, which spiralled into a few months of miscommunication (if there was any at all) and frustration, became the hallmark of 2007 i.e. my final year in school, and the transition period between living at home and coming to Melbourne. And now, in my final year in uni, there's this.

This year I'd dealt with loss(es), disappointment, and bitterness. But the year has not been without gains, lessons and uplifting traits. I then realize that everything has been placed, perfectly timed, to help me deal with things as they come thrown at me from left and right. People have been placed in my life strategically to become my support. Through experience I have gained insight on how best to give the support that mum so clearly needs, and how to deal with her reactions when it comes to news like this (I was emotionally retarded 5 years ago [no, seriously], and I regret not having the maturity to have dealt with the situation better than it turned out then).

I think that what's happened now would determine the course of my life and become a year I look back and think to myself, this is why I'm doing what I'm doing. Just like it was 5 years ago. What had happened then had become a precursor to my choice and motivation in the following year to pursue this career and what I intend to do with my future. What has happened, and is continuing to happen now, would probably affect my decisions on who how when why in the years to come. Every eventful event motivates a cascade of reactions, and despite the negative thoughts and feelings that surface from time to time, it's been a journey that shows me I am capable of being strong, patient, and faithful. And making sacrifices. It tests the strength of our family unit, which, I am proud to say, is passing with flying colours (I hope I'm not being delusional).

Well, I'm pretty sure everything would turn out alright. Eventually.

Never Ever Have I...

Had such a suchasuchasuchasucha strong urge to

TRAVEL SOMEWHERE.

My eyes are roaming, my mind is flitting from place to place to place

I want to go on a lovely adventure.

How I just wish a rainbow could just land on my doorstep :(