THE LIVING PINÃTA

Hands Up If This Is You Too

2012-01-06T22:46:00.001+11:00

I get so focused on your vices,

I tend to forget you are one of the good ones.

Slant

2011-12-17T03:57:00.001+11:00

Some days, you just can't help but look on with envious eyes.

Even if it makes no sense,

Serves no purpose,

Solves no problem.

不知不觉让了自己感染到
谁知连距离都取不掉你那么污染的感觉

The Thing About Death

2011-11-28T11:07:00.000+11:00

I'd have to say that this little piece of news rocked everyone's safe world with its ginormous impact. It's the abruptness of it all; the fact that a life was extinguished just like that - with no tell-tale sign, no time for preparation.

In the most selfish way imaginable I'm glad I never really knew him. Like I said, it's selfish. God knows how I would've reacted if it were someone I've been so attached to for a decade. I think I would've burst out laughing for a full hour to be honest. That's how warped my reactions to all things emotional can be I kid you not. It's only started to sink in -- everyone's starting to accept the fact that we'd never see this person in the flesh, ever again. It's the finality of it all that really scares me. A person we once knew is now gone. There's no other way to put it. What we know about him was what he once was. It's neither present nor future. Any notion of him would be of the impression we have of him in our minds, what we think he would say and what we think he would do. There no longer exists such a person in this world. A whole individual is gone.

A person's untimely death puts everything into perspective. Empathy, I would say, is the predominant theme amidst the tragedy. Empathy for the family, empathy for the best friends, empathy for the one who's gone. Isn't it so unfortunate that it takes a certain death to amass this overflowing unity in compassion amongst the living? Honestly no one cares if something good came out of a death. We just want the dead to come back. Screw this empathy - it does no good anyway.

The living have learnt to accept. To move on would be another thing. I think this particular death would be on our lips for the next few years. At least then we know he'd never be forgotten -- not so soon, at least. Life is fleeting. It really, really is.

Hurricane of Cleanliness

2011-11-02T15:08:00.000+11:00

My newly clean/tidied room = product of procrastination.

Evidently, anything trumps studying these days.

Chew On This

2011-10-17T20:22:00.002+11:00

Well if you knew me at all,

you'd know for sure...

I'm not the quiet one.

If You Want Change,

2011-10-16T21:12:00.001+11:00

You should do it for the right reasons.

It is time.

2011-10-15T11:20:00.002+11:00

In the most dramatic way imaginable...

SIGHHHHHHHHHH.

Something You've Known All Along

2011-10-15T10:42:00.000+11:00

It's just further proof of its dysfunctional state;

Of how it teeters on the brink of all things tainted and unwholesome.

The façades are well-polished,

The transformation quite spectacular,

as one face shifts to another in a split second.

What's the point, then?

It's just so shallow.

And it's definitely, definitely not worth it.

To Be Frank

2011-10-14T00:20:00.001+11:00

I've always been summarizing, in a way, my feelings and my thought processes in this space. It's sort of become just a place to document the sediment of a day/week/month/event filtered down to its last drop; of the crux of all things emotional.

Well to be frank it's not like I have plenty to say anyways. But sometimes I get days (or nights) like these where I just want to unleash in the form of words, spew out every little secret, psychoanalyse my shit all the while acting as though I am the most put together person found on planet earth. Don't worry...I'm not losing it. It's just sometimes I feel as though I dare not be open, to let people in on what I truly feel. Even the people I hold close - they are allowed only to scrape the surface of my thoughts, my anger, my issues, my crush, my disappointments. And I wonder, truly wonder, how people can let themselves be that vulnerable, even if it's with just the one person they call confidante. Most of the time I'm envious of that, of being able to be in such a place of vulnerability.

I'm sure even my best friend in the whole wide world would know how little I tell her, and how buried deep the true extent of the things I share with her are. Ooh, sounds like some serious and massive issues in the pipelines but, nah, it's just some things I wish I could be frank and honest about, that's all. She is, to date, still the one I tell the most to though.

So, I just have days where I don't want to hide, where I don't feel like masking things. One day I would love to share bits and pieces of myself without overthinking the consequences, without assumptions and without speculation of its outcome. Some day it will be with that one person I trust beyond everything in the world.

Hopefully, then, I wouldn't be too scared to let it go.

Dear Blog

2011-10-08T01:07:00.000+11:00

I've really been neglecting this space, haven't I?

Well that's all I have to say :)

I prefer putting pen to paper much much more right now. I guess...you're gonna have to steal my "diary" to know what's going on in my pea brain these days.

I realize I write with as much censorship in my book as I do here. Maybe I do delve into a little bit of detail here and there. Perhaps I like to keep things light and aloof...at least then it wouldn't evoke too much emotion/ trigger too many memories of things I feel I don't have to waste my brain space remembering. Well, clearly, happy thoughts deserve a lot more pages, and that really has been the case. God, I'm so gay. Maybe there's absolutely nothing wrong with that :)

From the sound of things, it's obvious I've had a good Friday. Somehow.

WoW

2011-09-24T00:24:00.002+10:00

The time is now.

Foresight

2011-09-12T12:09:00.000+10:00

Apprehension, Contradiction and Dread.

I Miss You

2011-09-11T22:43:00.000+10:00

Like I miss him.

Snowball

2011-09-11T22:13:00.002+10:00

Stuck in my expectations;

nonsensical;

a result of consequence.

My mind is at a standstill.

I am bereft of all remaining rationality.

I can't say what I want.

I can't do what I want.

I can't think how I want.

I am bound.

I am found wanting.

I am wishing for day and night to alternate at double speed

to fast forward to a better time

To a time where I have it all figured out.

I'm not Angry at you and I Don't hate you

2011-08-30T22:04:00.000+10:00

I'm just exhausted.
I'm tired from trying so hard.
I'm sick of the stress.
I'm sick from the stress.

Whatever happened to "come what may"?

...It always used to be me

Can't wait for next week to be over.
2 week break, here I come!

Just Before I Hit the Sack

2011-07-30T02:13:00.000+10:00

I've been experiencing word diarrhoea the past few nights - all of which are documented in my trusty little notepad resting beside me as I sleep. Mulling things over during the night and can't sleep? Switch on the torch on the phone and start scribbling away. It's quite a different experience, writing scraggly on the paper, compared to the sophisticated click clack of the keyboard. I'm loving it.

Anyways, something I'd written without thinking...

"Sometimes, giving up is freedom".

Now...think about this.

If giving up = freedom,
is freedom = giving up?

...Food for thought.

Post of Many Words

2011-07-24T21:17:00.000+10:00

I realize I can be the most sociable person of the night or the most socially awkward. I can be the liveliest in the day or the deadest of zombies. I can be projecting my voice over all corners of a room or I can be mumbling to supersonic ears. I can be the most confident or the most self-conscious. How one goes about merging two completely inconsistent personalities is beyond me. I fear there really might be some psychological waywardness going on somewhere in the deep crevasse of my soul. Or mind, I should say.

I see I am in one of those phases again, where I retain the images, the emotions, the thoughts of all things gone wrong, and all of the things that highlight my fears and imperfections - blemishes that I myself put under scrutiny.
I am in one of these phases where I feel endlessly lousy, incompetent at the most trivial of things, unconfident in my speech and outward appearance. It's one of those phases that come accompanied by the surge of hormones us females come to know too well, and them boys learn to anticipate and dread. Maybe it comes as a result of it instead. Either way I am not a fan of going through it. I feel I am just shy of being low, and always, always pensive. I'm too young to feel pensive, thank you very much. I think I lack the life experience (and age) to be pensive, anyway -__- Cue Dumbledore gazing into his thought-retaining thingo. Oh, how apt. It's called a Pensieve...

I guess I feel less chippy than usual because during this time my mind is a war zone. Gone are my blind optimism and boundless positivity. Gone is the simplicity I live by. I become too complicated a person to comprehend. I become a complicated person who hates complications, who has the simplest of thought processes, who ponders upon complicated things. But at least one thing is constant...regardless when or where or what phase of life I'm in, I always and never fail to complicate every seemingly simple thing. Which kinda sucks, come to think of it.

I hope from this I gain some peace.

Dear Mister,

2011-07-21T23:03:00.002+10:00

God knows we need more people like you in the world.

Congregation: Amen.

2011-07-17T22:54:00.001+10:00

Why?

why is it still this way?

2011-07-09T11:07:00.001+10:00

And I look to you
And I wait on you...

Gratitude

2011-07-06T18:07:00.000+10:00

Because I'm glad that you are helping me get on my way.

And it's true.

You never know a good thing till it's gone.

For Far Too Long

2011-07-02T09:40:00.000+10:00

It seems there is a large discrepancy between this year and the last.
And it seems the root of it is my apparent godlessness.

Godlessness.

What does that even mean?

Apart from the fact that I'd stopped interacting with people from community altogether, and the fact that I'd unintentionally (or perhaps intentionally albeit subconsciously) avoiding the venue like the plague, I'd spent the last few months not even reflecting and contemplating like I used to.

So what is that, then?

Is God just a term to define personal space?
Just a personification of our internal reflections?
A marker for how our being screams out for perfection?

How could "he" create such a difference in my well-being?

I honestly think it's just because we humans are weak.
So weak to the point where we so long to depend on trust; on a trust we can't ever find between ourselves.

Yet therein lies its beauty.

That all these thoughts and reasons point us to stand up against our creator, yet we choose to depend on him and choose to trust
That god is not just a definition or a term or a standard.

I know that I still do believe in his realness; that he is living.
Despite the niggling bits of rationality in my humanness trying to make sense of it all.

So, yes, there really has been a difference.
I feel a gap.
I feel a sense of loss.
A shift.
A burden.
I lack peace of mind.
I miss the ache.

I miss you.
And you are as real to me as the next person.

It's time to get back on the bandwagon, peeps.
I've been straying for far too long.

Embodiment

2011-07-02T08:59:00.002+10:00

You are a ball of confusion;
You're confused, you confuse.

....and it seems I've followed suit.

Absolutely Determined

2011-05-17T15:23:00.001+10:00

to grow some balls.

There Comes a Point...

2011-05-15T11:59:00.002+10:00

You should be able to use the retrospect to your advantage.
Look back and see what's not working.
There comes a point where you just have to say...
Enough is enough.
Why push on when all you're doing is expending useless labour on the behind of a stubborn mule?
Why persevere when there's nothing worthwhile?
There's no use faking it, forcing it, complicating things.

There comes a point where your needs, insecurities and fears do not rise above everything else.

I don't want to see you wasting any more of your precious time.

Degradation

2011-05-14T23:07:00.002+10:00

You're toxic.

All the fucking time

2011-05-09T10:58:00.000+10:00

Destroyed my mood first thing in the morning.

You've really acquired a skill.

Good on you.

Swamped

2011-05-06T17:36:00.002+10:00

I have no time to even think.

Bed of Roses

2011-05-05T23:12:00.001+10:00

Sometimes, just sometimes, you wonder why you try.

I'm tired.

I can't be bothered.

I can't keep up.

So what is it about you?

I can't figure out for the life of me.

And it's absolutely pissing me off.

Rewind, Playback.

2011-04-25T16:22:00.002+10:00

You

have got to stop torturing yourself.

Mental Overdrive

2011-04-09T23:49:00.001+10:00

There are things in life that I'm not proud of.

This is one of them.

How could I have so carelessly discarded my pride?

I may be making something out of nothing.

But I'm sorry.

Pride is something I hold on to with clenched fists.

Perhaps a little too dearly.

So much so that it has become a torment.

The source of my inner conflicts.

Which seem to become more apparent, more frequent these days.

Without fail.

You seem to bring out the worst in me.

Invisible

2011-04-09T01:06:00.001+10:00

You don't see

me gnash my teeth while i'm smiling

You don't hear

the malice behind my laughter

You do not get the privilege of treating me as you please
according to your mood.

So, please, save me all this shit

by keeping this in mind.

The Big 2-1

2011-04-07T16:52:00.001+10:00

This picture very precisely portrays my shock on Friday night.

What a ruse!

...Twice in a matter of 5 days, I shamefacedly say :(

Why am i so gullible??

But hey, innocence is hard to come by. Better appreciate it before it's gone!

So.

21.

Says everyone, marks the beginning of my adult life.

Says everyone, I'm "all grown up" now. Speaking of which, never have I seen so many messages with the words "big girl" in them with absolutely no intention of taking jabs at my physique (although I'm sure Mr. William Wong and Mr. Ho Han Khee would beg to differ -__-)

It's scary to think that, yep, the time has come. I'm officially a twenty-something. Not twenty...twenty-something...

And at twenty-one, I'm glad to say that there are actually a lot of individuals here with me that I actually really give a damn about. And they, me (at least, that's what I think. Don't let me down!).

Really cool to see everyone from different parts of my life collide on one special night :)

And for that, I am beyond grateful for you people who put it all together and pulled it off flawlessly!

Thanks for the Friday night, the Saturday night, the Tuesday night, the Wednesday night.

The wishes,

the gifts,

the meaningful conversations.

Definitely one of my more tiring weeks, but it sure was worth it!

That's That

2011-03-31T17:13:00.000+11:00

It's time to pull it together.

Sail Away

2011-03-24T22:22:00.000+11:00

Insecure,

unsure,

unbalanced,

unstable.

There's no way I can ever deal with the unknown.

The uncertainty.

The unpredictability.

I would want to...

someday.

Just not right now.

That's my justification.

That's more like an excuse.

I'll be waiting for you

to just

take me away.

What a Show

2011-03-16T23:49:00.000+11:00

I feel drained.

Just.

Trying.

Not.

To.

Out with the Old, In with the New

2011-03-13T08:54:00.000+11:00

It's no wonder you're stuck in the middle.

You choose to revert to/stick by/immerse yourself in what is familiar.

And what should be over.

Yet you wonder why everything is so stagnant?

You're just a walking contradiction.

Kill You

2011-03-01T17:32:00.003+11:00

for your petty crime

Can't Help It

2011-02-26T03:28:00.000+11:00

Can't help it that there are monsters lurking behind every scene...

waiting....

patiently waiting....

for that one chance to pull forth a chain of still frames in one fluid motion.

I can't help it, and it can't be helped.

I know I've tried my best.

Beauty in Inconsistency

2011-02-24T23:46:00.003+11:00

It's quite interesting how music can never be recreated.
No matter how skilled the musician, or how many times that same old score's been practiced,
What comes spewing out of the instruments will always be different.

Because music is so subjective, it's so...subject to the mood of the instrumentalist.
No one person can imitate another's handiwork.
No one person can recreate another's feelings.
No one person can be in that precise moment, as the musician over his instrument.

And, just like this, every time I am "in the moment",
so ever presently listening to the notes on the piano,
I will play exactly what I feel.

Then, 2 minutes later, right after the sound of the last note wears off,
I forget every single thing I'd played...

Unable to capture the beauty of the moment; left forever unrepeated.

And that...is the most frustrating thing sometimes!

:(

The Cause of My Upside Down Smile

2011-02-24T21:49:00.000+11:00

I am uninspired.

I read your words and I gather nothing;

I play your music and I hear nothing;

I move my lips but say nothing.

I feel unexcited,

uncreative,

underwhelmed.

But I take a deep breath.

I tell myself...tomorrow is a new day.

Tell myself...

it's something to look forward to at least :)

It's time to turn this frown, upside down!

March

2011-02-24T20:16:00.000+11:00

All of the things you should forget should really be forgotten.

Rut

2011-02-21T08:57:00.001+11:00

It's a tennis match; an endless volley.

It's a pirate ship ride; rocking back and forth.

It's a broken player; stuck at 1:03.

You get the idea.

I need progress.

It's Fading

2011-02-01T00:54:00.001+11:00

Thank God.

Headstrong

2011-01-30T00:55:00.000+11:00

it's deja vu;

at least now...

i know exactly what needs to be done.

my atrial-ventricular-spaced, life-giving organ is picket-fenced.

so beware, thieves,

lest you impale yourselves on my iron wrought spears.

PLEASE

2011-01-29T02:11:00.002+11:00

will. you. just. save. me. all. this. trouble?!

Censorship

2011-01-26T00:34:00.006+11:00

An intense 3 hours at the piano serves to be the best form of distraction I'd found.

There's nothing like obsessively playing the same 4 pages until your fingers ache so much from those chordal stretches courtesy of Brahms.

There's nothing like the way music seems to just...click when individual scores are put together.

There's nothing like knowing you bring colour to a sheet of black and white.

There's nothing like the genius of a composer to bring forth so much emotion.

An intense 3 hours at the piano can push any thought, any doubt, any confusion into little pockets in the corners of your mind; safely guarded, safely barricaded from the ring and ding of what you're playing with your eyes and your mind and your hands.

It's the best form of distraction...

And I'm glad I have it.

The one thing that is really, truly, only, mine.

So mark my words.
You don't stand a chance.

Retribution

2011-01-24T17:31:00.000+11:00

It is of my utmost desire

to give you a taste of your own medicine.

Distance

2011-01-24T15:00:00.002+11:00

You're so obtuse I hope you know it.

You're an ass and I hope you know it too.

Well if you didn't know...

now you know.

30%

2011-01-16T20:16:00.001+11:00

Yup, that's what I got for diploma.

30%

Which, thankfully, doesn't reflect the amount of effort I'd put in.

So. Now I really do believe in the principle of "giving it your best shot".

I'm not exactly disappointed...I'd seen it coming.

Not exactly unhappy...I actually agree with the examiners' comments.

Not exactly regretful...I'm glad I even bothered trying.

But I definitely, definitely feel like I'd let my parents down.

My first (kind of) major fail in my life and, well, I'm quite surprised at my nonchalance.

Given the circumstances during the taking of the exam, I'd say I did pretty okay. It was either fail in that or physio anyways. Something had to give.

I'm glad it was this...

because, well, let's face it.

I'm no superwoman.

The Female Complex

2011-01-03T13:31:00.002+11:00

It's insane that every time any female goes crazy bezerk over the mildest of issues, the most innocuous of confrontations, it's almost always due to a well-hidden, secondary cause that's been harbouring masses of anger/guilt/sadness over a period of time.

And the key word here is well-hidden.

How in the world do we females expect guys to be so perceptive?

(I say "we" because, as much as i hate to admit, i do fall prey to this stereotype)

Then we explode over an issue as stupid as choice in plates and expect the source of the problem to magically come to the realization that it really is his...i don't know, lack of appreciation for her (what the freak?) that's causing all this fuss about plates. And when he doesn't, a number of things ensue:

1. the silent treatment (and the poor guy has no clue what is going on)
2. endless bitching
3. making korean dramas in her head, WHICH, due to dramatization, further blows the issue out of proportion.

Men may be thick, but this probably ranks as the stupidest expectation of them i have ever seen.

GAH!

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

2011-01-01T18:15:00.001+11:00

That's all it takes.

I'm not here to do your bidding.

Past, Present, Future

2010-12-31T15:42:00.001+11:00

How in the world did i become so depressing?

The Tourist

2010-12-31T05:03:00.001+11:00

Was disappointing to say the least :(

Maybe high hopes and expectations just leave you deflated. As per usual.

Lousy dialogue and crappy, wasteofspaceandtime love scenes left a very frustrated (and potentially annoying, sorry amanda!) movie-goer fooled by the bullets and the knives and the chase scenes in the trailer.

Otherwise, everything was pretty okay. Haha.

It really isn't too bad...once you take away the lousy dialogue and crappy love scenes!

Don't get me started on the soundtrack. Takes cheesy to a whole new level.

Truth.

Jolie is looking old and gaunt. Too skinny for her own good!
Depp, on the other hand, looks like he's living it up. The chubby cheeks says it all.

Birth of a Cynic

2010-12-31T04:46:00.000+11:00

It seems patience no longer resides in my heart.

I say what i want and i say what i will.

I will shout at you across the table if i may.

And i'm sorry if that doesn't bode well with you.

Daily does of cliche: Familiarity breeds contempt.

And i'm still waiting...

Every Day is a Test of Patience

2010-12-27T13:39:00.000+11:00

The day mum stops nagging and going ballistic about everything...

Is the day the earth stood still.

sighs

It Knows No End

2010-12-22T16:06:00.001+11:00

My loyalty only extends thus far.

Can't you see?

Scars

2010-12-20T10:52:00.002+11:00

you.

made me cry.

angry, angry tears.

Walking on Eggshells

2010-12-18T20:54:00.000+11:00

Don't know a good thing

till it's gone.

By All Means

2010-12-18T08:20:00.004+11:00

self-deceit.
it's the way I function.
it's the way I tell myself not to care;
to ignore;
to avoid;
to erase.

it helps...
for the time being.

then whatever it was I was trying so hard to ignore,avoid and forget
comes rapping on my door relentlessly.

and I know, eventually, I'm gonna have to face it.

Daily dose of cliche: Ignorance is bliss.

Stop It.

2010-12-14T22:27:00.002+11:00

Life goes on.

So suck it up.

Ramblings

2010-12-10T21:10:00.002+11:00

Enough of them one-liners, don't you think?

The rabbit is creating annoying rattling noises in his cage it's driving me insane.

Sometimes i just want to kill him.

Annoyance aside...

I'd just seen a photograph someone took...in the typical wanna-be artsy fartsy fashion that people are so inclined to take these days. A leaf, a plant, a flower, a lilypad...photographed at an angle with various focal length settings and shutter speeds...in a pond, a lake (any reflective surface for that matter) reflecting the sunset, sunrise etc. you get my drift.

It just seems so pretentious.

And now that the blasted DLSR has become affordable and a household name, i just can't see photography as a profession anymore.

It's become just. another. hobby.

Cause everyone everywhere will have some photo or another of said fashion and everyone everywhere can just claim to be "photographers".

Well, those who can take decent photos, of course.

Isn't that quite sad, then? that the jobs of these people are taken away by hobbyists doing it as a side project?

It's not like i'm affected. i can't even begin to understand the physics of picture-taking. can't even be bothered lugging a point-and-shoot around, let alone that giant of a camera.

But it's just slightly irritating that by just owning a fancy pants camera everyone is made photographer.

Why do i sound so bitter -__-"
Nothing against having a hobby.
Just...leave the artsy fartsy stuff to the pros, thank you very much.

Side note: whyyyy does shipping take so long? ugh. had the perfect xmas gift for dad all planned out...but it can't get here in time for me to bring it back. sighz. such is the unfairness of life. sometimes.

Of all the people in the world

2010-12-10T21:09:00.002+11:00

I thought you'd know better.

But, alas, I woke up disappointed.

It goes on and on and on

2010-12-09T23:11:00.002+11:00

ate my heart

and hope to die.

worry wart alert.

Silence

2010-12-09T22:36:00.003+11:00

...because everybody needs a break someday.

One Word:

2010-12-09T12:58:00.001+11:00

Agony.

2010-12-08T20:22:00.002+11:00

Want you to make me feel

Like I'm the only girl in the world

Like I'm the only one that you'd ever love

Like I'm the only one who knows your heart

Only girl in the world

Click send.

2010-12-04T02:57:00.000+11:00

Just a moment of weakness...

And then

there was no turning back.

Daily dose of cliche: Resistance is futile.

2010-11-28T16:59:00.002+11:00

i am your friend,
first and foremost.

the rest is just a waste of breath; a waste of thought.

Talk to Me?

2010-11-27T10:08:00.002+11:00

.....i don't want to be left alone with my thoughts.

Jealousy

2010-11-24T10:47:00.004+11:00

It's messing with my head.

Gotta let go.

Hypersensitivity

2010-11-20T12:44:00.002+11:00

has it really been a whole year?

how lame.

2010-11-15T23:07:00.002+11:00

you. are my soulmate.

I Know I'm My Mother's Daughter When....

2010-11-15T23:02:00.000+11:00

i coo over every. single. flower i pass by in the neighbourhood.

even the wildflowers.

just love 'em!

sigh, wish this could be my backyard.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

2010-11-10T18:33:00.002+11:00

It's either i'm over-estimating my abilities,

...or...

I truly am that confident in myself.

are these two one and the same?

no, they aren't.

but they sure have the same effect on me.

Daily dose of cliche: love conquers all.

Remember that.

2010-11-10T16:58:00.002+11:00

I have feelings too.

2010-11-02T10:46:00.000+11:00

Tossed aside.

Like a rag doll.

2010-10-29T11:51:00.000+11:00

I feel like an ISLAND.

2 Days Later...

2010-10-29T11:47:00.000+11:00

And i have departed from the land of piano!

hellOOo neuro.

and physio.

sigh, it never ends

WHOAH

2010-10-27T16:14:00.002+11:00

this fear is INTENSE.

Hands Down

2010-10-26T17:48:00.001+11:00

My hopes are so high

That your kiss might kill me

So won't you kill me

So I die happy

My heart is yours to fill or burst

To break or bury

Or wear as jewelery

Whichever you prefer

Daily dose of cliche: Every cloud has a silver lining.

It's only then that I know

2010-10-26T13:57:00.000+11:00

Music is my LIFE.

Impromptu in B flat Major.

Earth Song.

Delicate.

I GOTS THE CHILLLS.

such beauty.

God Put a Smile Upon Your Face

2010-10-06T15:44:00.000+11:00

Amidst all the chaos and craze,

the cacophony of voices in your head,

brace yourself.

respond with tactfulness and grace.

hold your own.

Clown

2010-10-04T10:43:00.000+11:00

How am i gonna juggle everything that needs to be done?

Woke up in a state of panic...

thinking: piano, assignment, physio, neuro.

Do i do a little bit of all at once?

Or do i focus on each one but may have no time left for some?

Need a place to study.

Gotta clean up this mess.

Or maybe i should find someplace else to go...

Oh my gosh.

The worry sets in :(

Daily dose of cliche: Time is running out.

Day 6

2010-09-30T13:22:00.002+10:00

The fast is going surprisingly well.
meat? smells good, but it's okay. i'm fine thank you.
snacks? takes all the willpower in the world especially when i get the munchies after meals. terrible, terrible cases of the munchies.
but somehow even the snacks sitting there, waiting to tempt me, aren't that appealing.
except for those days.
where all i want to do is have a massive cone of ice-cream or an iced chocolate.
let me not be reminded that this is merely the 6th day -_-"

and speaking of which,
it's still really early on, but i'd made a few interesting discoveries along the way.

honestly, going into it, i never really knew the real reason for fasting.
i just knew i felt compelled to do it.
like there was something in me urging me to go through it; experience it.
but now, i do know why i'm doing it; what for and how much breaking it with the smallest sliver of almond, the tiniest piece of cake in the world is actually saying about myself.
the little things that speak volumes; they are absolutely significant.
never really had any expectations coming into the fast, so i guess in that way i am an empty canvas getting excited over every little splatter of paint. which is pretty cool.
so, yes, i'm looking forward to see what gems i'd collect over the next 34 days and counting.
optimism.
i hope it lasts.

No Big Surprise

2010-09-26T22:14:00.002+10:00

that i actually feel really, really, really bad.

Sometimes

2010-09-26T22:02:00.000+10:00

Sometimes it takes all the self-restraint in the world

to not tell u all the things i'm dying to say.

how much of a hypocrite u can be.

how much u are quick to anger.

how little tolerance u have when the things u say/do are said/done back to u.

But at the same time i feel silly.

no matter how undeserving it was,

no matter how upsetting it was,

for not wanting to speak to u.

and to try to show u i am upset.

And so i apologize.

Which is, once again, something i'd never say.

It's times like these i don't know whether i feel more stupid, angry, or guilty.

it seems the latter is my dominant trait.

and it sucks.

that no matter how angry i am,

i end up feeling responsible for it anyways.

Don't Look Down On Me

2010-09-25T17:04:00.002+10:00

Some days, you've just got to trust me.

I will go above and beyond to do what needs to be done.

Daily dose of cliche: Don't judge a book by its cover.

2010-09-24T00:03:00.002+10:00

Good call on my part.

In more ways than one.

Rude Awakenings

2010-09-23T22:53:00.001+10:00

...At least, one of the many of them.

And the question I ask myself is since when and how I had begun to become so careless with the things people tell me.
It's always been a value I had always held dear - that what people choose to confide in and to keep confidential is a privilege, and a right that I should respect.
When had they become careless words I tossed around without sensitivity towards that person?
When had they become such a breach of privacy?
When had they become my secrets to tell, to elicit, to bring up?

It seems to me that the older I get the more I'm supposed to value these little treasures; to value the intimacy of a relationship with a person in need of a confidant; to value the fact that this person holds you in the highest of regard to be able to entrust you with the things they hold close to their hearts.
These secrets should not be a "burden" I am to carry.
I am merely an ear; a mouth.
I am merely an empathy; a sympathy.

It is truly disappointing, really, that I had spun little webs of deceit.

It's time to revert to the way I have been; the way I should be.

Daily dose of cliche: Strike these feet of clay.

What's Up

2010-09-23T09:31:00.003+10:00

You know something's up when....

You write every chance you get.

So.

What's up.

Is what I'd never say.

Daily dose of cliche: My lips are sealed.

O Tortured Soul

2010-09-23T00:03:00.002+10:00

you have. no. chance. it's already begun.

Stress

2010-09-22T23:58:00.000+10:00

Yup, it's that time of the year...only that it's a whole month earlier than usual (ref to prev post)

and now i'm full on freaking out.

That's what you get when you leave things to the last minute -_-"
...when you have a test tomorrow and you choose to fill your tummy and play with lanterns instead of study.
...when you choose to go on facebook and write to your friend after all that instead of study.
...and now you're forced to deal with the fact that "unprepared" is an utter and complete understatement to the way you feel about the test tomorrow.
That's what you get.

Add on the fact that you're in emotional turmoil from the insane piano hours, stress etc.,

you're pretty much screwed.

I feel drained and I'm not even a quarter of the way there yet.

Let's hope there's enough to keep me driven till then.

For now, I will take a deeeeeeeeep breath, switch off the lights, and sleep my worries away.

Daily dose of cliche: You see right through me.

Inadequacies

2010-09-20T08:06:00.000+10:00

Knowing my inadequacies,

inadequate being a total understatement....

is making me feel so sick with worry.

To deal with it I will do what I do best.

Sleep it off and never think about it again.

Until I really, REALLY have to.

Oh me oh my.

Asian Ointment

2010-09-19T11:42:00.000+10:00

"X-oil", hong yiu, tiger balm.

the likes.

are the asian solution to EVERY single pathology it's insane.

and the excuse to putting off seeing the doctor.

GO SEE A DOCTOR PLEASE.

why am i freaking out on your behalf -_-"

2010-09-18T00:40:00.000+10:00

Every night she cries herself to sleep

Thinking why does this happen to me?

Why does every moment have to be so hard.

It's Gonna Be a Craaaazy Month!

2010-09-17T11:00:00.001+10:00

Seems like there's a tons of things to do in preparation for the month of October.

Gotta...
Start printing those lecture notes I was just too lazy to print throughout the semester,
Start listening to all of the lectures I'd missed out on,
Re-listen to the ones I found myself dozing off/actually slack-mouthed-semi-drooling in, which is basically everything,
Properly researching for diploma program notes,
Actually writing the damned thing,
Find the discipline to play all of my pieces in one sitting,
Progressively learn to squeeze it all into 30 minutes,
But before that actually knowing how to play them perfectly,
Study for piano,
Wonder why I was ever so ambitious with the piano,
And accepting the fact that there IS NO TURNING BACK :O,
Start on physio assignment which is due in October but sadly I'd be so swamped it's better to start now,
Actually pondering/praying over the 40-day fast commencing 24th September, learning its purpose, what I'd do etc.,
GET EXCITED
because mother's coming October as well!!

Let's see how much of it I really do in Sept,
fully aware of what needs to be done.

But, looking at it, thinking about it,
just makes me want to escape by drowning myself in tv shows.

Now THAT'S what I need to fast on.
Escapism.
Sigh.

Underground

2010-08-29T15:04:00.002+10:00

Just feel like sticking my head in a pit of sand.
Drown out the noise.
Drown out the sights.

The thing is, all the sights and sounds are in my head.

What to do, oh what to do.

Maybe I should just lie here for a while.

Trip Down Memory Lane

2010-08-29T02:11:00.001+10:00

Whilst looking for a picture of the (omigosh) most embarrassing "cake" I've ever made in my life,
I read some of my really really old posts from way back when.
Coupled with the world's best emo piano song, "Craig Armstrong - Glasgow Love Theme" it kinda shifted something in me.
Not too sure what it is yet, at the moment.
But it's sort of a feeling...that time flies. It really does.

Anyways, to add to this somber, somber note,
I chanced upon this:

I miss this little champ.

Still do and always will.

Sigh.

2010-08-21T18:28:00.000+10:00

I want a perfect body,

I want a perfect soul.

I want you to notice when I'm not around.

So very special;

I wish I was special.